Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Sunday, September 30, 2007


Whither Newt?

I'm sorry. I was all set to write an erudite treatise on the state of conservatism in the nearly-post-Bush world of American politics, drawing parallels between our modern times, Cromwell's England and Souvlakistan under totalitarian leader Gborg Prozcniblerg. Then I got the word that Newt Gingrich isn't running for president and I just lost my will to go on.

Oh, Newt, how could you let me down like that? Ever since you led the Republican Revolution back in those innocent days of the mid-nineties, I've looked to you to help me understand what was going on in the world and what I should think about that.

I'd been hoping--no, no--I'd been praying that you would hear the plaintive cries of the American people and come to our rescue by running for the highest political office in the land. I'd thought that your conservative message would be the beacon that lifted this country out of the doldrums brought about by those nay-saying Can-Don'ts in the Congress. You'd seize control and, as Commander-in-Chief, you'd lead us to victory in Iraq. You'd figure out how to turn around this crazy housing market. You'd find a way to keep those filthy immigrants out of our borders. You'd take the Unified Executive Theory to its logical conclusion by finding a way to be elected President For Life.

Turns out you're just kind of an assbag who wanted some press for his PAC. Go figure.