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Tuesday, October 23, 2007


Ax Me No Questions

I hate the local news. I hate the local news in a box. I hate the local news with a fox. I hate it here and there, I hate it everywhere. Except that, every once in awhile, you get that kind of news story that, while the polar opposite of the insightful analysis you might find on, say, The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, is nonetheless quite compelling. Stories like this.

For those linkophobes among us, I'll summarize thusly: a petite Long Island convenience store clerk fought off an armed robber by swinging at him repeatedly with a huge fucking axe.

There are just so many different ways to look at a story like this. First off, I guess, y'know, good for her. I guess I'd be proud if I nearly lopped somebody's arm off. From another perspective, though, do I really want to shop at a store when I know they keep a huge fucking axe behind the counter? I don't know precisely how tightly wound these people are. What's to stop them from going Code Red with the tree-slicer when I try to pay for a pack of gum with a fifty? You've also got to feel at least a little bad for the robber, don't you? Went to all the trouble to procure a gun; chose a nice mask; next thing he knows, some tiny little Turkish girl is pulling a Paul Bunyon on him and he's the butt of all his friends' jokes.

I wish she'd had something a little cooler than an axe. Like maybe a trapdoor that opens onto a tiger pit. Or a spring-loaded boxing glove hidden in a can of peanut brittle. Even, like, a trained attack llama would be a little more likely to get my enthusiastic support than a huge fucking ax.
I'll admit, though, that ax would come in handy the next time some little sixth grade smart-ass decides to throw a paper ball.

I look forward to seeing your name in the newspapers having killed a student with a huge fucking ax. Personally, I like the trap-door tiger pit idea. If you can rig that up at your school, power to you, man.
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