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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Ax Me No Questions

I hate the local news. I hate the local news in a box. I hate the local news with a fox. I hate it here and there, I hate it everywhere. Except that, every once in awhile, you get that kind of news story that, while the polar opposite of the insightful analysis you might find on, say, The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, is nonetheless quite compelling. Stories like this.

For those linkophobes among us, I'll summarize thusly: a petite Long Island convenience store clerk fought off an armed robber by swinging at him repeatedly with a huge fucking axe.

There are just so many different ways to look at a story like this. First off, I guess, y'know, good for her. I guess I'd be proud if I nearly lopped somebody's arm off. From another perspective, though, do I really want to shop at a store when I know they keep a huge fucking axe behind the counter? I don't know precisely how tightly wound these people are. What's to stop them from going Code Red with the tree-slicer when I try to pay for a pack of gum with a fifty? You've also got to feel at least a little bad for the robber, don't you? Went to all the trouble to procure a gun; chose a nice mask; next thing he knows, some tiny little Turkish girl is pulling a Paul Bunyon on him and he's the butt of all his friends' jokes.

I wish she'd had something a little cooler than an axe. Like maybe a trapdoor that opens onto a tiger pit. Or a spring-loaded boxing glove hidden in a can of peanut brittle. Even, like, a trained attack llama would be a little more likely to get my enthusiastic support than a huge fucking ax.
I'll admit, though, that ax would come in handy the next time some little sixth grade smart-ass decides to throw a paper ball.

posted by Joe # 7:19 PM

Comments:

I look forward to seeing your name in the newspapers having killed a student with a huge fucking ax. Personally, I like the trap-door tiger pit idea. If you can rig that up at your school, power to you, man.

# posted by

John Barleycorn : 10:50 AM

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Ax Me No Questions

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		Tuesday, October 23, 2007 Ax Me No Questions I hate the local news. I hate the local news in a box. I hate the local news with a fox. I hate it here and there, I hate it everywhere. Except that, every once in awhile, you get that kind of news story that, while the polar opposite of the insightful analysis you might find on, say, The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, is nonetheless quite compelling. Stories like this. For those linkophobes among us, I'll summarize thusly: a petite Long Island convenience store clerk fought off an armed robber by swinging at him repeatedly with a huge fucking axe. There are just so many different ways to look at a story like this. First off, I guess, y'know, good for her. I guess I'd be proud if I nearly lopped somebody's arm off. From another perspective, though, do I really want to shop at a store when I know they keep a huge fucking axe behind the counter? I don't know precisely how tightly wound these people are. What's to stop them from going Code Red with the tree-slicer when I try to pay for a pack of gum with a fifty? You've also got to feel at least a little bad for the robber, don't you? Went to all the trouble to procure a gun; chose a nice mask; next thing he knows, some tiny little Turkish girl is pulling a Paul Bunyon on him and he's the butt of all his friends' jokes. I wish she'd had something a little cooler than an axe. Like maybe a trapdoor that opens onto a tiger pit. Or a spring-loaded boxing glove hidden in a can of peanut brittle. Even, like, a trained attack llama would be a little more likely to get my enthusiastic support than a huge fucking ax. I'll admit, though, that ax would come in handy the next time some little sixth grade smart-ass decides to throw a paper ball. posted by Joe # 7:19 PM Comments: I look forward to seeing your name in the newspapers having killed a student with a huge fucking ax. Personally, I like the trap-door tiger pit idea. If you can rig that up at your school, power to you, man. # posted by John Barleycorn : 10:50 AM Post a Comment << Home		Links The Conversation Special Productions Izzle Pfaff Freida Bee Sometimes I Just Talk Alisa and the Stuff Alisa Does Tuna Girl Defective Yeti The Incurable Insomniac The Savvy, The Extreme and The Idealist Caballito del Diablo The Ambivalence of Open Spaces Bug-Eyed Blog Whiskeymarie Version 53 Things I've Noticed (S)wine: ShortLeanCuts Out of Tune Missives from the Beige Sister of Hairshirt Apostrophe Abuse Jonestown Tobacco Brunette The Public Intellectual That's Why Archives July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 March 2011 April 2011