Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Hairshirt Thanksgiving Horoscope
Aries: Anxious over what wine to serve with Thanksgiving dinner? Try mixing a bunch of different wines together! It's both edgy and classy!
Taurus: No matter what you may have heard, it is not good manners to stick your knife down your throat and vomit your host's dinner all over the table. In fact, some people may even find this behavior offensive.
Gemini: Using a store bought crust? Why not just go all the way and take a steaming dump in your pies?
Cancer: Remember to talk with your children about the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday. Be sure to include the part where we gave the Indians blankets covered with smallpox. It does a lot to explain the traditions behind Bush's foreign policy.
Leo: Before cooking your delicious Thanksgiving meal, be sure you pull back the foil to expose the tater tots.
Virgo: While you're honoring tradition by pulling on the wishbone, take a moment to remember that it was once a vital part of a living organism that you've just ingested. And don't tell anyone your wish, or it won't come true!
Libra: Looking for a hip new way to enjoy tired old Thanksgiving stand-bys? Why not try a turkey and greenbean smoothie?
Scorpio: Serving your Thanksgiving dinner while naked will only make people leery of eating the gravy.
Sagittarius: Liven up the table with an intellectual conversation. Open up a debate about exactly what the Pilgrim's farts might have smelled like.
Capricorn: For extra flavor, don't bother with rubbing spices onto the turkey's skin, just pour the spices directly into your mouth and cut out the middleman.
Aquarius: Want smoother mashed potatoes? Pre-chew them! Just put a whole boiled potato in your mouth and chew it for about five minutes, then spit it back into the bowl. Your guests will say, "Ooo, it's so good!"
Pisces: If you can't think of anything to be thankful for, just give a shout-out to the guy that invented pants.