Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Friday, November 09, 2007


A Little Help for Distraught Network Execs

"The writers are striking!"

"Yes, yes, they're very handsome, but that's not important now."

You may have heard, the Writers' Guild is out on strike. As I'm very pro-union, I want to do everything I can to help, including posting a link to a petition in support of their demands.

I also feel bad for the studios, though. I mean, a lot of these poor studio executives have payments on their fifth homes which they're not going to be able to make if this strike drags on for a few years. So I wanted to help them, too.

Which is why I sat down today and wrote out a list of story ideas for various TV shows. I figure, in a pinch, the studio execs could just use one of my ideas and have the actors ad lib some dialogue. I've watched a few episodes of The Ghost Whisperer, those lines can't be that fucking difficult to come up with.

Try these plots on for size:
  • Two and a Half Men--Charlie and Alan commit seppuku when they realize that they have been raking in cash for years while being painfully fucking unfunny.
  • Smallville--Clark ditches the emo haircut, puts on some fucking tights and flies already.
  • Heroes--Sylar kills the Deadly Black Goop Twins. Then he kills the little Findya Girl. Then he kills Peter's odd-looking Irish girlfriend. Then he kills Micah and his boring cousin. Then he forces Matt to move out of Mohinder's apartment. Then he erases the audience's memory of how utterly shitty the second season has been.
  • Scrubs--JD gets run over by a train while listening to a Rogue Wave song. Then his ex-girlfriend and kid get spun off into a much more entertaining show.
  • The Unit--Jonas and Bob come out and adopt a Guatemalan child.
  • Law & Order--I know L&O does all these cool ripped-from-the-headlines stories, so I took a look at today's newspaper and I came up with an awesome one: McCoy investigates a mysterious bus-route change.
  • Cavemen--This one was tricky, 'cause how can you improve on perfection? Then it hit me: All you've gotta do is edit together the original commercials into a half-hour format. And you save on paying new actors! Genius!
  • Grey's Anatomy--One of the doctors starts dating someone they don't all work with and everybody flips their shit. Meanwhile, a patient has a horribly painful disease that teaches Meridith a valuable life lesson that she whines about in voice-over.
  • NUMB3RS--I've never watched this show, but I assume it's all about counting. So, in this episode, I'd have them cover the low twelve-thousands.
  • Las Vegas--Now that Selleck is starring in this, do you really think the show's tens of viewers would notice if you just started rerunning Magnum, P.I. in its slot?
So, studio execs, you're welcome in advance. Feel free to use whichever of these ideas you want and we won't even worry about story credit. Just send me a coffee mug from your network gift shop and we'll call it even.

That Numbers one made me laugh A LOT.
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