Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
The Return of the Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Sometimes, you've got to shut down your rational side and let the dreamer in you take over. Just try not to do this while you've got a scalpel in your hand and you're removing someone's gallbladder.
Tarus: Everything is going to be just fine. Except for the fact that the writers' strike will drag on and you won't be seeing anymore new episodes of 30 Rock. Which sucks and all, but try to keep things in perspective.
Gemini: Anyone who calls you a cheap whore obviously doesn't know you. Or it's possible you blew their brother in the back room of a pool hall. Either way, keep your chin up, whore.
Cancer: An existential crisis has you questioning your role in the universe. Fucking put the bong down occasionally, ya hippie.
Leo: Wouldn't a fresh-baked batch of cookies taste really great right now? Or, I suppose, you could just pour yourself another shot of paint thinner and conserve your strength for your next plasma donation.
Virgo: This week, you're going to fuck someone really ugly and quite possibly contract a venereal disease. Sorry things are so bleak. Check back next time. Maybe you'll find a quarter on the street or something.
Libra: A big choice looms in your not-too-distant future. Try not to fuck it up.
Scorpio: Like a wise man once said: Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff. Except for all the stuff that's fucking huge and soul-crushing. Which you can probably go ahead and sweat.
Sagittarius: This week, you've got an abundance of energy and enthusiasm that's really goddamn irritating.
Capricorn: Now that Michael Mukasey has been sworn in as Attorney General, you're pretty sure this country is going to return to its days as a paragon of justice and decency. You're kind of fucking stupid, aren't you?
Aquarius: You may be going through some dark times right now. Just try to keep a sense of perspective and whine about it as much as possible to your co-workers, 'cause they just can't get enough of your griping.
Pisces: As you start a new job this week, you want to be sure that you're putting your best foot forward. And hopefully not slipping in a puddle of junkie vomit. That junkie vomit'll ruin your day, pal, lemme tell you.