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Sunday, December 30, 2007


Best of 2007

A little late on this this year, but I can't let 2007 slip away without letting the world know exactly what I thought of it. My opinion of 2007 can actually be summed up with quite succinctly with a raised middle finger, but I'll go ahead and get into a more detailed analysis by listing my usual Best of Everything.

Best "Fuck You" to George Bush. Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize seemed to be yet another in a series of the Nobel Academy's attempts to piss in Dubya's corn flakes. Sure, Gore has done a lot to publicize global warming and blah blah blah. But the guy already won the Oscar. So the Nobel seemed calculated to rub Georgie's face in it. Which he deserved.

Best Album of the Year. Sorry, folks, but this year, last year and every year, the best album is Emotions in Motion by Billy Squier. And until something comes along that makes me laugh, dance and cry as much, I'll keep on listing it.

Best Celebrity Pregnancy. Wow. So much to choose from this year. From Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey and whatever the hell his wife's name is to Jessica Alba and her lucky spermy bastard, this year has just seen a bumper crop of bumps. (And can I just tell you how goddamn adorable I find it that we're now calling them "bumps"? It's just so precious! Tee hee!) But I have to say that the classiest, most moving pregnancy was, once again, Ms. Elizabeth Hasslebeck. And how amazing was it to experience the pregnancy with her on The View? Remember the episode where Rosie O'Donnell kicked her in the stomach? Tense!

Best Awesome Catastrophe on TV. The shootings at Virginia Tech made for some excellent television, but I'm going to have to go with the bridge collapse in Minnesota. It really made you think. It made you think about bridges. Thanks, media, for really getting to the heart of the story by placing your cameras right in front of grieving families. It made the pain so real.

Best Way to Rid the World of Ben Affleck. I'm gonna throw a bit of a curveball here, people. After finally seeing his performance in Hollywoodland and hearing nothing but good things about his directorial debut helming Gone, Baby Gone, I'm going to go ahead and say that Herr Affleck should be done in by old age.

Best Stamp. Tough one. Really tough one. The ol' USPS gave us a bumper crop this year, what with stamps for Jimmy Stewart, Gerald Ford, Yoda and mahogany speed boats. Hell, the holiday season gave us special stamps for Muslims, Catholics, Protestants and whoever it is who celebrates Kwanzaa. But I've got to tip my hat to that gorgeous stamp that commemorates Jury Duty. When I send a letter to someone, I want them thinking about jury duty. Don't you?

Best Pain. Without a doubt, the best pain I've had this year would be my wonderfully herniated disc!

Best Comic Book Storyline. The Sinestro Corps Wars. If you read only one Green Lantern story this year, I'm hoping it was this one. But probably you didn't read any Green Lantern stories this year. Because you're a "grown-up" who reads "literature" and has a "social life" and doesn't associate with "social retards". Which is probably for the best.

Best Presidential Candidate. I'll give you a hint: He's 4'6". His wife is forty times hotter than him. He believes in UFOs, is a vegetarian and is completely and utterly unelectable. But goddammit, Dennis Kucinich has gumption!

Best Unsuccessful Pick-Up Line. After much careful consideration, the winner is..."Would you like to see my pee-pee?"