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Saturday, December 29, 2007


Celebrity Predictions for 2008

It's that time of year again. The time of year when the ghost of Jeanne Dixon takes up residence in my sinuses and whispers to me as I'm trying to sleep. She tells me all sorts of things, much of which has to do with the passionate sex she used to have with Buddy Hackett, which, frankly, I could really do without hearing.

But she also tells me about the upcoming year and what it holds for our beloved celebrities. And today, I'm passing Jeanne's info on to you.
  • As details emerge about the causes behind the Sean Penn/Robin Wright-Penn divorce, the American public will be horrified at the cruelty Mr. Penn exhibited toward his wife. It will come to light that Ms. Wright-Penn was subjected to years of mental abuse, including being forced to watch I Am Sam once a month for four years.
  • The trials and tribulations of the Spears family will continue, as Jaimie-Lynn Spears will give birth to a baby girl who will herself become pregnant three months after she's born.
  • In a desperate attempt to woo voters from Dennis Kucinich, presidential candidate Bill Richardson will force his wife to get her tongue pierced. Shockingly, this will make very little difference in the campaign.
  • At the trial following her DUI arrest, Mischa Barton will snap in half following a powerful sneeze.
  • Following her grandfather's decision to leave the bulk of his estate to charity, Paris Hilton will attempt to make her own fortune by opening a lemonade stand. She'll charge $14.7 million per cup.
  • As the Hollywood writers' strike stretches into its tenth month, frustrated producers will fund the creation of a computer that can write movies without the aid of a human. Most of these movies will be directed by Michael Bay and nobody will notice much of a difference.
  • The second season of CBS reality show Kid Nation will prove a little more exciting as producers up the stakes by offering a million dollar prize to whichever contestant can eat the most of his/her competitors.
  • Lindsay Lohan will just give up any pretense and start start trading handjobs for drinks outside of O'Leary's Pub on Bowery.
  • The record box-office earnings of the Iron Man movie will be marred by an incident in which a teenager, inspired by the film, will staple canned food to his body and jump off his parents' roof. A poll will show that most Americans see a direct cause-effect relationship between the film and the tragedy and congress will press for legislation banning anything vaguely exciting from being depicted in movies.
  • Media Research Center president Brent Bozell III will be arrested following a raid in which police find him and several companions dressed in bondage gear and engaging in a circle jerk around an eighty-five year-old Laotion male prostitute.
Here's hoping that your 2008 sucks less than your 2007!

Jeanne Dixon's ghost was whispering some strange things in my ear last night when we were having sex and there was something to the effect, "All of your teen-age daughter's over-priced skinny jeans will be obsolete with the resurgence of knickers."
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