Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Hairshirt Christmas Horoscope
Aries: Playing "Mrs. Santa & the Horny Elf" with your spouse may sound seasonally hot, but, trust me, there's nothing sexy about it once you get an image of Tim Conway as Dorff stuck in your head.
Taurus: Your resolution to avoid getting drunk at Christmas to help you cope with your family is put to the test when your Cousin Wyatt breaks out his guitar to serenade everyone with his new song, "Jesus Hates Abortion".
Gemini: This is the year you decide you do believe in Santa Claus. Coincidentally, it's also the year when you've dropped acid an average of twice per week.
Cancer: Do something fun with your family this Christmas. Build a snowman! And then use it to illustrate your point that waterboarding really is torture.
Leo: Like Ebenezer Scrooge, you, too, will be haunted by spirits this holiday season. Mostly by the gin you drank last night and then puked all over your coat. That's one haunting goddamn smell.
Virgo: Everyone is really impressed by your Christmas decorating. Your idea to go with An Anne Geddes Noel theme was a stroke of genius.
Libra: You may think you want to know what goes into your Aunt Wendy's rum balls, but I'm telling you, some things are just better left to mystery.
Scorpio: A festive sleigh-ride might be a nice treat! Or you could stay in and avoid interacting with your family, which is more traditional, really.
Sagittarius: Your girlfriend will not be pleased to find the Morning After pill in her Christmas stocking.
Capricorn: Y'know that awesome progressive presidential candidate you asked Santa for? The one who would get us out of Iraq, make health care affordable, fix our education system and bring good-paying jobs to the lower and middle classes? Yeah, you're getting a tie instead.
Aquarius: You're super-excited that, thanks to our failure to adhere to the Kyoto Protocols, Christmas is the warmest time of the year.
Pisces: What does Christmas mean to you? It means nobody can tell you how the fuck much eggnog you should be drinking! Nog!
It is so tough to lie to the kids and tell them a sleigh will be flying through our night skies on days when it's 70 degrees outside, that maybe we should defeat this global warming fad, yet. It might actually be bad for the US Christmas- based economy.Post a Comment