Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Friday, December 28, 2007
Hairshirt Horoscope 2008 Zodiac Forecast
Aries: 2008 is the year you'll finally get that nickname you've wanted ever since your underwhelming college years left you feeling inconsequential and unworthy of others' attention. Unfortunately, that nickname will be "Beef McQueef". Be careful what you wish for.
Taurus: After three straight years of hoping and praying that things would start to suck less, 2008 will be the year when things genuinely go right. You will, however be slightly more flatulent than usual. Bad with the good, right?
Gemini: Your year gets off to a rip-roaring start, Gemini, with the greatest New Year's Eve you've ever spent. Then your arm falls off on January 4th and it's all pretty much shit from there on.
Cancer: Be careful around late spring, when the stars show that you might be more likely than usual to do something monstrously stupid, like taking up performance art or becoming a volunteer for the Huckabee campaign.
Leo: Big changes loom on the horizon for Leos in 2008. Most of them involve fun new formations for your facial hair. Even lady Leos.
Virgo: You've got a boog. And you'll have one pretty much all year.
Libra: What can I say, Libra? Simply put, 2008 is going to be one long, non-stop sex-athon for you. Occasionally, there might even be other people involved. And a corpse, but just once.
Scorpio: A malevolent force haunts you sometime in late autumn, Scorpio. Fortunately, it turns out to be a moldering Twinkie that got stuck between your fat rolls and a couple hours scrubbing takes care of things.
Sagittarius: In January, you come up with an earth-shattering idea that will make you rich and make the world a million times better. Then you come down off the acid and realize it was only a recipe for grilled cheese with salsa in it. Which, to be fair, is pretty tasty.
Capricorn: Sadly, your year is ruined before it even began, now that Spider-Man's marriage to Mary Jane was wiped out of existence by a demon.
Aquarius: Although Chinese calendars will call 2008 The Year of the Rat, to you, it's really going to be The Year of the Pubic Lice.
Pisces: Take more chances this year, Pisces. Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just make sure you don't venture, say, your car in a high-stakes poker game while you're whacked out of your mind on crystal meth.