Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You have a wonderfully curious mind, but you need to remember that there are some questions you don't really need to find the answer to. Like, "What's the best way to jack off a goat?" You don't need to know that.

Taurus: It's too bad that the one bit of your mother's advice you've held onto over the years is, "Don't run with scissors." It would have saved you a lot of grief if "Never try to sneak through airport security with a live weasel in your pants" would've stuck in your head.

Gemini: Since the death of Evel Knievel, your world just hasn't made any sense. This could be because you're an alcoholic and you're drinking three quarts of bourbon a day. There's not a whole lot that's going to make sense after that. Even doorknobs are kind of tricky.

Cancer: You suffer a bit of a setback this week. This is incredibly sad, as you really thought you'd had potty training down cold.

Leo: Your sense of adventure is carrying you away this week. In fact, it's going to carry you smack dab into a nasty case of herpes.

Virgo: That big romantic date where you cook a meal for your new boyfriend/girlfriend may not go so well if you don't come up with a better menu than Slim Jims and macaroons.

Libra: Avoiding a problem is not the same as solving it, Libra. Avoiding it takes a whole lot more skill and finesse. So congratulations on that.

Scorpio: Stop picking your nose.

Sagittarius: You like to think of yourself as an outlaw. This is a word you're going to have to redefine when you actually spend some time in prison and see what actual criminals think of a "bad-ass" tax-evader like yourself. Personally, I think you're going to be very popular.

Capricorn: As William Shakespeare once wrote, "Dude, chicks get horny when they're drunk. That's why I always carry three cans of beer in my back pack." Actually, that may not be Shakespeare I'm thinking of. It may have been my neighbor in college.

Aquarius: You are at your best when turning shortcomings into victories. You prove that once again this week when you take the fourteen pounds of lint that's been building up in your dryer and use it to knit a sweater for a homeless person. Innovative!

Pisces: That old family recipe for chicken and biscuits? That was all a lie. Your parents used to just sneak out and buy KFC.

This is so weird, because I was trying to figure out what to give my mom and I think a nice warm sweater would be a great gift. Will belly button lint work? Oh stats, what sayeth ye?

wah wah waaaah
My Scorpio friend was quite disappointed this week.

And how about that cookie recipe?
Um, I could be wrong, but I don't recall "live weasel" on the list of items not permitted in the aircraft cabin.
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