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Sunday, December 09, 2007


My Excuse

Why have I not written in eleven days?

I've been too damned busy masturbating and preparing home-made cheese balls to send out for Christmas. (Not at the same time.)

So what, you're wondering, are my home-made cheese balls like? Good question. What I'm trying to do here is to get away from your traditional Hickory Farms type of thing. It's just so played out.

First off, who the hell wants cheese with wine in it? Not me, mister. If I'm going to mix alcohol in with my cheese, I want it to be something with some kick. You want people to be able to know that they've consumed liquor. So I've come up with a tasty little concoction that redefines cheese balls. I call it Liquid Heaven. It's a full liter of gin with five ounces of Gorgonzola floating in it. Throw in some vermouth and an olive and you've got one killer Mar-cheesy!

I've never been crazy about the cheeses I've seen in cheese balls. Does the world need any more fucking cheddar? No. No it doesn't. You know what cheese has been woefully under-represented in the cheese ball department? American. That's why the simplest (and one of the most delicious) cheese ball in my arsenal is a little something I've named the White Man Special. I take an entire loaf of scrumptious Velveeta, slather the outside with the tasty zip of Miracle Whip and roll the whole thing in a generous pile of crushed Planter's peanuts. Even minorities love it!

Finally, the third cheese ball in my holiday love package: I wanted to do something whimsical, which is how I came up with my yummy Wink, Wink Cat Turds. They're miniature logs of goat cheese dyed brown and rolled in Grape Nuts. They may look like they came from the litter box, but they taste like they came from Baby Jesus.

So, I think you can all agree that, while the blogosphere may have lost eleven days of utter genius, the culinary universe has benefited greatly from my efforts. Watch your mailbox this holiday season, 'cause you never know, you might be getting a box-full of dairy-ous Christmas love.

I'm gettin' the saltines and comin' over. I read on, even though you had me at the second line. Glad I saw you comment over at Whiskey Marie's. I'll have to come back, oh yeah, with the saltines and I'll bring Nacho Cheese Doritos for the Velveeta ball.
But what about my guests with peanut allergies? Will the "White man special" work as well with say, oatmeal or hamburger crumbles?
Frieda Bee--
Nacho cheese Doritos? Don't you have anything blander?

Make the recipe as it is, peanuts included. If your friends' throats start to close up, let 'em pray to Santa Claus for a cure.
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