Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Hairshirt Horoscope (Special Geektastic Superhero Edition)
Aries: Like Aquaman, you are sadly underrated by most everyone, your true value ignored while those around you go on to great acclaim. This is probably because, also like Aquaman, you seem to think tight orange and green outfits are really cool.
Taurus: Sometimes, Taurus, you wish you could just work magic like Zatanna, muttering a few words backwards and altering reality. Well, you can't. But, like Zatanna, you can feel free to wear fishnet stockings and a top hat.
Gemini: Sexually, one would have to compare you to Superman. Mostly in the sense that you seem to be a strange visitor from another planet.
Cancer: This week, Cancer, you're going to be, at times, so overlooked that you'll feel like The Invisible Woman. Just not with the "invisible force field" powers. How the hell did they bring a force field into it, anyway? Can someone explain to me how a force field has fucking anything to do with being invisible?
Leo: To get everything on your agenda accomplished this week, Leo, you'll need to be as speedy as The Flash. The living one, not one of the two dead ones. Dead people are notoriously slow, Leo.
Virgo: For far too long, Virgo, you've been dark and brooding, like Batman. It's time to let out your fun-loving inner Robin. Just not with the boy-whore-on-parade outfit.
Libra: You ever read that issue of Swamp Thing where he goes down into the sewer to escape Arcane? Well, that's basically what you smell like.
Scorpio: Like the tragic Phoenix, Scorpio, you are often helpless against the darker side of your nature. On the plus side, there's very little chance that Brett Ratner will take a giant steaming dump all over your greatest story-line when he adapts it for the screen.
Sagittarius: You have one similarity to Wonder Woman, Sagittarius, and that's really shitty taste in swimwear.
Capricorn: If only, like Wolverine, you could get hurt and then instantaneously heal, Capricorn. But you can't. And it's going to take a heart as hard as Adamantium to keep from being broken by what's in store for you this week. But your hair kinda looks like his. Which is something, I guess.
Aquarius: You have a lot in common with that technology-based hero Iron Man. Mostly the fact that you're an alcoholic.
Pisces: Pisces, sad to say, the only superhero you're even remotely like is Brother Power the Geek.