Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Aries: Sure, the Iowa caucuses are tonight and you should be thinking about who's going to take another step forward toward becoming the next leader of the free world, but, frankly, all you can think about is poor Lindsay Lohan and her latest public mistake. The poor, poor dear.
Taurus: Life to you is nothing more than a low-calorie soup recipe to be whipped up at your whim. But what about grilled cheese, Taurus? What about grilled cheese?
Gemini: Word of advice, Gemini, if you're out of condoms, you shouldn't try just wrapping your junk in scotch tape.
Cancer: Things have been confusing for you lately, Cancer, but remember: even when we can't see the path we're on, all is clear to God. It's just that he's a giant prick about sharing his fucking information with us.
Leo: You've been feeling cooped up inside for weeks, Leo. Maybe this is a good week to try your hand at some outdoor winter sports. So the next time you pass by a like you think might be kind of frozen, go ahead and walk out onto the ice.
Virgo: People like you because of your big heart and your generous nature. They like you in spite of your ass-like breath.
Libra: In times of stress like this, it's sometimes helpful to take time to look through old photos, to remind yourself of happier times in your life and remember that there will be more happy times ahead. Alternatively, you could just jack it to some internet porn.
Scorpio: When someone says, "Why don't you go pound sand," what exactly does that mean? Are they actually telling you to use your fists and actually, like, pound sand? Help me out with this one, Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Life is like a yo-yo, Sagittarius. It's a cheap piece of shit that you can never get to do what you want and you'll eventually throw in the garbage. Admittedly, that's a fairly pessimistic metaphor.
Capricorn: Beware of large groups with torches and pitchforks, Capricorn. Not that you probably needed me to tell you that one.
Aquarius: As a wise man once said, Aquarius, "French fries might be delicious, but that doesn't mean I want to shove a pound of them up my ass." Actually, that may not have been a wise man. Thinking on it for a minute, I'm pretty sure a drunk man said that.
Pisces: Beauty is only skin deep, Pisces. If you don't believe me, try looking at someone who's had their skin removed. It's not beautiful.