Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Your dream finally comes true. Unfortunately, it's that dream where you're late to take a test and you're not wearing pants.

Taurus: Focus your energy on positive thoughts. Discard any heavy mental baggage that's interfering with your progress. Also, don't forget to floss. Just 'cause it can't hurt, right?

Gemini: It's true that a hint of vanilla behind the ear can be very seductive. But there are better ways to achieve this effect than rubbing a pint of Breyer's on your neck.

Cancer: A relaxing mudbath might be a brilliant idea for the Cancer in need of a little pampering. However, you should go ahead and pay for a spa day, as your plan to fill your bathtub with potting soil and Vaseline Intensive Care lotion will cause more problems than you foresee.

Leo: All the media coverage of the presidential primaries has you anxious. You're already feeling nostalgic for the wonder and the glory of the Bush years. My, how the last seven years have flown.

Virgo: You should try to read more. Especially stop signs.

Libra: Be careful this week. The stars show that there's a serious possibility you could wind up hospitalized after a routine back-shaving goes horribly awry.

Scorpio: As is your annual tradition, you're staving off those post-holiday blahs by baking up a storm! And, hey, it just so happens that your 250 lb. diabetic children cannot get enough of your strudel!

Sagittarius: Despite what those cruel, cruel people at work are saying behind your back, your breath doesn't really smell like ass. In fact, it's more like a really delicious, aged Gorgonzola cheese. And who doesn't love Gorgonzola?

Capricorn: Be aware that you may not be on the same wavelength as people to whom you're confiding personal information. To you, it's just "one or two harmless hobo burnings." But others might not share your sense of fun.

Aquarius: The worst part about that terrible cold from which you've been suffering is not the soreness of your nose after two weeks of wiping it with tissue. No, the worst part is that you've been unable to use your sense of smell and your cat's litterbox is now so toxic your postman can barely deliver your mail without vomiting.

Pisces: A new sexual partner will open you up to a style of physical intimacy you've never experienced before. For instance, there's the Sex While Wrapped in Bacon style. It's different, but just roll with it.

That's weird. You must be psychic or some shit 'cause that is exactly what my postal carrier said. I'm a little weirded out.
I'll bet Brigitte Bardot is grateful that you warned her to be careful when she shaves her back.

We Libras are a hairy lot.
I love Capricorns. They're so much fun!
Post a Comment

<< Home