Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You may feel some estrangement from a loved one this week, Aries. Or maybe you'll love feeling a stranger. To be honest, the stars are a little vague on this.

Taurus: Things have been too hectic of late, Taurus, and a return to a calmer, more relaxed pace in your life is definitely called for. So this would be a good week to start smoking more weed.

Gemini: This week, Gemini, you need to take a page out of the play book of the great Mahatma Gandhi. Mainly, you should starve yourself and wear loose-fitting white robes.

Cancer: Stop putting so goddamn much salt on everything. What are you, a deer?

Leo: Your resentment of a friend's success is bubbling a little too close to the surface this week, Leo. Try to relax a bit and just be happy for them. And if that doesn't work, bake them some zucchini bread and piss in the batter.

Virgo: Virgos in a rut can try shaking things up in the bedroom this week with a little role-playing. Maybe you can be the timid carpenter and your partner can be the lascivious building inspector. Or you could pretend to be anteaters in heat. The world is your pretend oyster, Virgo.

Libra: You are not the Lizard King and you most certainly cannot "do anything."

Scorpio: When faced with a heart-wrenching decision this week, Scorpio, you're going to have to go with your instinct. Of course, your gut may tell you that your initial instinct is wrong, in which case you'll need to sort out whether you ought to believe your instinct or your gut, neither of which have ever done you much good in the past. Flip a coin or something.

Sagittarius: It's entirely possible that, at some point this week, someone will mail you a package of dog shit. It's also entirely possible that you'll feel some bizarre obligation to send a thank you note.

Capricorn: You are filled this week with an incredible sense of inner peace. Which is usually what you get right before everything goes completely into the shitter.

Aquarius: Romance is on the horizon, Aquarius. And it's walking the fuck away as fast as it can.

Pisces: This week, Pisces, you become aware of a growing certainty in your mind that Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer was not the work of genius you initially took it to be. You're smart!