Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Aries: You find yourself a little turned on by Barack Obama's "Houston, we've achieved lift-off here" comment after last night's Wisconsin victory. You need to get laid, Aries.
Taurus: A beautiful, glorious picture comes into your life this week. The stars are a little vague on what this picture is. So it could be a Vermeer at the museum or a snapshot of your boss fucking a goat. There's a pretty wide range, actually.
Gemini: Great. Now what are you going to do with those 100,000 "Re-elect Castro" bumper stickers you had printed up.
Cancer: Strangely enough, you really kind of miss stamps that you had to lick.
Leo: The naked Lindsay Lohan pictures have you engaged in a war with yourself. Your brain says "No!" while the hand with which you masturbate sings "Yes!"
Virgo: Yes, coffee is a good way to wake yourself up in the morning, Virgo, but for Christ's sake, you don't snort it.
Libra: Shame such as you've never known comes crashing down on your head today, Libra, when you suddenly realize that you've never listened to The Conversation. What the fuck is wrong with you, anyway?
Scorpio: Maybe the reason you haven't had sex in eleven months is that you're only comfortable getting it on to your favorite John Phillip Sousa march. Try some Barry White, man.
Sagittarius: You make a new acquaintance this week with whom you have much in common. Except that he's a convicted murderer. So, y'know, you probably don't want to go on a golfing trip with him.
Capricorn: You discover your Achilles heel today, Capricorn. It happens when you get shot in your heel.
Aquarius: Today is the perfect day to try out a new recipe, Aquarius. Maybe you could create something edgy, like a cake frosted with liver! Delicious!
Pisces: Desperate for a little human contact, you find yourself tackling strangers on the street today. Maybe you should hire an "escort."