Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: For unknown reasons, your farts have become extra potent today. We're talking weaponized here.

Taurus: You wake up from a dream this week with a brilliant new candy idea: Gummi Jesus!

Gemini: This is not a good week to run outside naked from the waist down and ask strangers to evaluate your bush. But then, there's never really a good time for that, is there?

Cancer: You're frustrated this week by what you perceive to be a lack of control on your part. This is probably because you're usually drunk.

Leo: Celebrate the intergenerational connections in your life, possibly by putting up with a phone call from your senile grandma who constantly confuses you with your more successful cousin.

Virgo: Oven-ready lasagna noodles? What will they think of next?!?

Libra: Somebody needs to sit you down and explain to you just how annoying it is that you're constantly singing "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" under your breath.

Scorpio: Is drawing a mustache on your face really the best way to look more mature?

Sagittarius: You're a little nervous that next Tuesday's primaries may spell the end for Hillary Clinton's campaign. Yup. That sounds about right.

Capricorn: Let's try to get to the heart of why you're such a loser. We could start with the fact that you consider Millard Fillmore to be your greatest hero.

Aquarius: You are still absolutely mystified by the phrase "That dog won't hunt."

Pisces: Quick question: What the fuck made you think that putting a staple in your forehead was, in any way, a good idea? You're not really doing much to dispel the notion that Pisces are stupid.