Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
The Vote of Doom!
Did my duty today. I shoved my way through crowds of campaign volunteers and pulled the lever for Barack Obama.
And when I say "pulled the lever," I am being quite literal. Here in Harlem, we've got no fancy-pantsed computer screens. We've got no dicey Diebold machines. It's the old-fashioned pull-the-lever machine like they showed in whichever School House Rock video where there was voting. Hearing that heavy-ass Ka-Thunk sound as you get ready to exit the booth really puts a nice little exclamation point on casting a ballot.
But afterwards, as I was walking my dogs and picking up their droppings, it hit me, I may have doomed Obama by voting for him.
I have never, you see, never in my twenty years of voting, picked a winner in the presidential primaries. My first time out, as I've mentioned before, in a haze of youthful enthusiasm, I voted for Jesse Jackson. Wouldn't do it today, as I now realize that he's a preacher, but it made sense to me at the time.
Four years later, as a pot-smoking college student, I did the logical thing and voted for Jerry Brown. Actually, the pot-smoking had very little to do with it. A friend of mine was a Brown-backer and laid out his policies for me, which fit very nicely with my own beliefs. I even went to see the man speak. About which I remember very little except that I wore a t-shirt with a big-ass hole in it.
Clinton ran un-opposed in '96, so the next time I was able to vote in a primary, I was huge into Bill Bradley. Poor, stretched-out, jowly Bill Bradley. I loved that guy. For a while there, he was looking like a Democratic spoiler, just as Mister McCain was looking on the Right. But then corporate money stepped in and took the decision out of our hands. This was the election that put me off our electoral system. I was so disgusted by the many, many faults in the way we do things.
Which is why I joined the Green Party and had no ballot to cast in '04. Nader ran unopposed in that primary, I believe. Or, if he had competition, it was a professional macramé artisan who was running on a platform of "Less War! More Herbal Tea!" or something along those lines. So I had fuck-all to do with John Kerry getting the nod. Actually, I don't remember if there was anybody in the Democratic candidate pool I had the least bit of interest in.
Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I have never--ever--voted for a winner in the primary. And, so, Barack, I offer you my sincere apologies.
Man, you are some serious bad luck, 'cause Obama got his ass kicked in New York.
Though he won his home state by a lot more than Hillary won her "home" state.
At least you had the ka-chunk machine. I was handed a long skinny piece of cardboard stock and a magic marker with which I had to complete the arrow (<-- --).
I've never gotten a winner either, so between us we've really doomed Barack to the abyss. But even if Hillary gets it I'll still feel like I've won.
Deni--Yeah, I didn't figure he'd win here, but you gotta hope.
Mel--I very nearly pulled the lever for Kucinich, even though he's no longer running, just to avoid the jinx.
John--Blow me. I've explained my Nader vote a thousand goddamn times. "I was in a safe state"; "The two-party system is broken"; "I was stoned" blah blah blah blah blah. Get over it.
Steph--Wow. So how long have you lived in Mayberry?
To paraphrase Nader, after he was accused of undermining Gore.
If he can't beat that fucking moron, that's his own goddamned problem.
Okay, now I'm feeling bad about my response to you, J.B. I was--honest to God--trying to be funny with that, but my funny appears to be broken this week and it just sounds like so much assholery. My apologies.
Having said that, I stand by my statement.
I voted for Nader in the Bush/ Gore Fiasco of 2000, but that was in Texas and I knew Bush would win it. I am not sure if I'll vote for Obama or Gravel yet, though voting for Gravel is voting for Clinton. I voted for Jerry Brown back in some day. Hey, I've never voted for a winner either. That's because the good ones don't win.
I'm sure jb is glad Nader's put together his exploratory committee. I don't know, McCain will win over my dead body, but the Ann Coulter kiss of death made me wonder which way is up re: Clinton. I think Obama it's going to have to be. Ok, I'll stop thinking this through in your comments.
Sorry I didn't get to see your follow-up comment earlier. After reading your slanderous words, I ate a bottle of aspirin and tried to die. I spent three days at the hospital getting my stomach pumped.Post a Comment
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