Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Aries: You do not now, nor will you ever, have the proportional strength and speed of a spider. And standing around the living room, trying to shoot webbing out of your hands does nothing except make the neighbors think you're schizophrenic.
Taurus: Sometimes, we need to be able to take a step back and realize that our slippers are far, far more disgusting than anything on the floor from which we might think the slippers are protecting us.
Gemini: Shaving your pubic hair off is not going to make your penis look any larger. Mostly because you're a woman.
Cancer: Anal beads? Really?
Leo: You're really, really looking forward to the new Judd Apatow-produced comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yet another reason so many people think you're stupid.
Virgo: This is a good time to meet with a nutritionist, Virgo. Largely because you're completely mistaken that Slim Jims make a good smoothie ingredient.
Libra: Workplace tension is greatly relieved this week when you make the decision to just start showing up to work incredibly high.
Scorpio: The security guard at work is just being polite when he asks how you're doing. So, you want to go ahead and stick with a response along the lines of "Fine, and how are you?" instead of coming out with "I'm so incredibly fucking horny."
Sagittarius: This is not a good week for investments. So you're going to want to put all those quarters back under your mattress.
Capricorn: Your baby-sitter doesn't want to see you perform another fucking magic trick, she just wants you to pay her and drive her home.
Aquarius: Winter weather may cause delays during your commute this week. So could slipping in a pile of vomit as you walk to your car.
Pisces: A taser seems like a great investment in personal safety until you accidentally fire it at your own balls.
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