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Monday, March 10, 2008



Today, the Vatican, in an effort to maintain its relevance in an increasingly secular world, released a new list of mortal sins. The new sins join the original "Seven Deadly Sins" of which movie serial killers and TV cooking shows alike are so very fond.

Predictably, the new list of sins includes such obvious no-nos as Drug Abuse and Birth Control. Somewhat more surprisingly, however, the Vatican also came down on some seemingly more innocuous misdemeanors.

Listed at Number Four, for example, is Picking Your Nose and Wiping It on the Wall of a Public Building. This means, church officials clarified, when reached for comment, that a person who dies while smearing nose-gunk on a crapper stall will be condemned to hell for all eternity.

The sixth Modern Mortal Sin on the list is Owning a Girls Gone Wild Video. The Pope is quoted in the documents accompanying the list as saying, "If you're gonna buy porn, just fucking buy porn. At least those women get fucking paid for it. And what if that was your daughter, man?"

Easily the most controversial new mortal sin is Number Seven: Being Hayden Christensen. Very tough break for young Lord Vader.

A Vatican spokesman says response to the new Mortal Sin list has been so overwhelmingly positive that plans are in the works to release an new "theme" list every year, starting with 2009's proposed "Seven Mortal Sins Against Fashion".

Why are you running for president this time?
"Thou shalt not get drunk and sing Meatloaf songs for Karaoke" kind of threw me for a loop, but upon further reflection I guess I understand.
Poor Hayden. I feel bad for the kid.
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