Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, April 10, 2008


Cereal Monogamist

I get in ruts. Especially morning ruts. It just happens. You get used to a certain morning routine and you just keep on fucking doing it, day after day.

My morning routines, food-wise, tend to go in long, drawn-out cycles. I'll spend six months in a row having the exact same thing for breakfast. Then, one day, my wife will say, "I'm really sick of English muffins. Why don't you buy cereal this week?" And then we'll go for six months or so eating the same damn cereal, every morning.

For the past...uh...long, long while (exact numbers are escaping me here, but it's been an assload of time) I've been doing the same thing in the A.M.:
  • Get up.
  • Shower.
  • Get dressed.
  • Walk dogs.
  • Eat breakfast while watching previous night's Daily Show. (N/A on Mondays)
  • Get our lunches ready.
  • Return to bed to briefly snuggle with wife.
  • Leave.
I could do it asleep. There have been times when I'm fairly certain I have done it asleep. I've found myself in my office with a can of Diet Dr. Pepper in my hand and no real idea how I got there.

Well, this morning, I did something different. Tired of my own monumental laziness and ability to somehow allow myself not to run in the evening, I outsmarted me by getting up twenty minutes early, holding off on the shower, walking my poor, confused dogs a full forty-five minutes before they were ready for it, getting lunch ready and putting it in the fridge, throwing on my exercise gear and then going to the gym as soon as they opened to get in a morning run.

It was awesome. I had the place to myself for five or so minutes, people. To myself! Then there's the wonderful smugness you can exude all day when you've already gotten your workout in. Oh, I was so very, very self-satisfied.

Now, of course, I'm falling asleep on my keyboard, but fuck it! I worked out!

After my run, I came home, hopped in the shower, ate an entirely different type of cereal while I sat in my bathrobe! I haven't worn my bathrobe in the house when we didn't have company for years! Then, when my wife's alarm went off, I came in, got dressed, snuggled and left, floating down the street on my own self-worth.

I liked it so much that I'm doing it again tomorrow! Take that, world!

You kill me.

While working for an Aerospace company in California, I was so stuck in a rut that one morning I just clung to the shower wall wanting to die. Really. I wanted to fucking die.

I broke that routine by getting carpal tunnel, quitting, and moving to Colorado.

P.S. If I've never told you how much I love your writing style (I can almost hear you speaking), I'm telling you now. You always make me laugh out loud for real. None of that phony LOL crap.
Wow, that's really really ... lame.
Yep, I've also had the identical morning routine for years. And yes, I could do it in my sleep. But I think that's the point. I'm not a morning person. I just need to get through it to get to afternoon in order to get to cocktail hour...
I'm so predictable in the mornings that my cat can now anticipate my moves.
Either I need a new routine or a dumber cat.
Why do you hate Life (cereal) so much?
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