Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Aries: Helpful social hint: when meeting your mother-in-law for the first time, it's never a good idea to grab one of the candlesticks and loudly declare, "This is what I use to drip wax on my nipples!"
Taurus: A rolling stone gathers no moss. So now all you've got to do is figure how to keep that motherfucking stone constantly rolling, and you're home-free.
Gemini: An old friend who you haven't heard from in a long time will call this week. And, about 2.7 seconds into the conversation, you'll wish you still hadn't talked to them.
Cancer: Your skin may be a little dry this week, Gemini. So be sure to keep plenty of goose jism on hand. Or, you know, whatever it is you use to moisturize. Doesn't have to be goose jizz. To each his own, and all that.
Leo: If you don't stop spending so much time looking in the mirror, you'll grow hair on your palms. Oh, wait, that's masturbation. So, if you don't stop spending so much time masturbating while you look in the mirror, you'll grow hair on your palms.
Virgo: If you absolutely must run with scissors, just try not to run while using them.
Libra: There must be better things to do with your time than getting stoned and watching Fraggle Rock.
Scorpio: It's okay to admit that you don't understand what an artist is trying to say with a particular painting. Just be prepared for people to call you on what an utter dumbass you are.
Sagittarius: Women would be a lot more impressed with your "intense cardio workout" if you didn't have to stop to vomit half-way through.
Capricorn: Look to your idols this week for the inspiration you need. You will, though, probably want to look at an idol other than the one who's going to get caught soliciting tranny prostitutes outside of a Carl's Jr. in Mesa, AZ.
Aquarius: Nobody believes that you're dating Elijah Wood.
Pisces: Stop and take a look at the reasons you're failing. Could it be that you're just pushing yourself too hard with unrealistic expectations? Probably not. Actually, it's most likely all that glue-huffing.