Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Aries: Today, Aries, you're going to fall victim to one of those wacky misunderstandings that you thought only happened on Three's Company. A comment someone makes about some poorly cooked calamari leads you to believe that there's something wrong with your genitalia. Don't worry, though, everything will be cleared up in the end.
Taurus: It is not okay to spontaneously rub nipples in public. Not yours and not someone else's. This is a lesson you're going to have to fucking learn, eventually, Taurus.
Gemini: Good news and bad news, Gemini. The bad news is that someone very close to you is about to betray your trust in a way that will, ultimately, end the relationship. The good news is that you're going to get three extra McNuggets with your lunch! So it's kind of a wash.
Cancer: If you never face your fears, Cancer, then you'll never truly live your life. However, since most of your fears involve sticking live animals in your pants, you might want to go ahead and just not worry so much about the facing.
Leo: Your house is going to seem really crowded today. That's because you're growing larger!
Virgo: Some days, Virgo, you feel like you're teetering on the edge of a giant cliff, unsure of whether or not you're going to tip over and plunge into the depths below. Yeah, that's an inner-ear infection and you probably should get that looked at.
Libra: If a woman is truly impressed by the Battlestar Galacticisms you sprinkle into your conversations, she's probably not someone you really want to be involved with. You hear what I'm saying, you frakkin' idiot?
Scorpio: You've always been secretly thrilled by your Zodiac sign, mostly because you felt it gave you a certain kinship with the character of Robert Scorpio on General Hospital. The truth is, you're really much more like Noah Drake, the doctor/lame pop star played by Rick Springfield.
Sagittarius: You can believe it's not butter.
Capricorn: Remember when you were a kid, Capricorn, and you learned the lesson that tying a big towel around your neck did not enable you to fly when you jumped off the roof? Well, putting a video camera by the bed isn't going turn you into a porn star.
Aquarius: Your life right now is a little like a merry-go-round, Aquarius. Because it's being run by a carny.
Pisces: Do you really need those five extra cookies? Oh, right, I forgot. Your life is a depressing series of humiliating events, one coming after another, running over you like a herd of elephants and leaving you squashed flat on the ground. Okay, Nilla Wafers it is!