Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Aries: Beware, Aries; a lover may be deceiving you. Probably not in a creepy, "I've got a twin and you've been unknowingly fucking both me and my twin because we're psychotic" kind of way. More likely just something like using the last of the peanut butter and not telling you. But still...
Taurus: Make the most of this tremendous surge of energy you feel. Because cocaine isn't cheap.
Gemini: Hey, y'know what's totally not sexy? Asking your girlfriend to lance a boil on your ass. So, if you want to get laid again this decade, you'll find someone else for that job.
Cancer: You've got it all wrong. The Boy Scout motto is not "Fuck them before they fuck you." Seriously, Cancer, where do you get these ideas?
Leo: A good, long cry can cleanse the soul, Leo. Just don't do it too long, or else people will realize what a gigantic pussy you are.
Virgo: Yes, Virgo, your bottle cap collection is very impressive. Now can you please shut the fuck up about it?
Libra: He's a very high-profile American these days, Libra, but that still doesn't mean that the Reverend Jeremiah Wright would make a great spokesman for your new Low-Calorie Steak-n-Tater Pot Pie.
Scorpio: You're terrified today of something you see in the Kleenex you've just used. Be forewarned.
Sagittarius: This is an excellent day to luxuriate in the Arts, Sagittarius. So why not go to a museum and pretend you understand the paintings for a couple of hours.
Capricorn: Big changes are headed your way, Capricorn. For starters, try changing your crusty fucking socks.
Aquarius: It can be a very liberating feeling to cut up one's credit cards, Aquarius. But your ATM card, you probably want to keep.
Pisces: New technology plays an important part in your day, Pisces. And I'm not just talking about your expensive new vibrator, although that's nice, too.