Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, April 22, 2008


The Murky (and Embarrassing) Future

As we get farther into this pregnancy, my wife and I have felt a little freer to discuss things that we've been too scared to even let ourselves think about in the past. Things like what kind of person this is we're creating.

Basically, it boils down to this: we want our child to be a geek. Not a pathetic geek or anything; I mean, we want him/her to be physically active and fit. But I definitely want my kid to be into comic books and my wife wants her/him to be bookish enough to get a humongous scholarship to an Ivy League school which we wouldn't be wealthy enough to afford otherwise.

I think we're both aware that you can never really control who you child is, which is why we'll probably end up with a Born-Again who's obsessed with money. (That was a joke, Karmic Forces of the Universe, so please don't let that actually happen!)

It's utterly bizarre to think about who this tiny little creature is going to become. What kinds of things is she/he going to be hiding from us fifteen years from now? What about us is going to make this kid roll his/her eyes and wish she/he had other parents? How is he/she going to try to squirm out of punishment when she/he comes home at 1:30 with booze on his/her breath? It's just so exciting!

But really, that's a long way in the future. I've got time. I've got plenty of time to practice looking like I don't know what a bong is. I've years to learn how to keep a straight face when my kid asks if I ever got so drunk I threw up on my shoes. There is absolutely no rush to prepare myself for the I have to explain to him/her that her/his mother and I absolutely do not want to know that he/she is sexually active. *shudder*

So, yeah. Parenting. Awesome.

Dude, I hate kids, but I'd totally dig baby-sitting yours. I know the tricks of the trade. And if he/she turns out to be a homo, I can help with that too!
Are you growing a vagina now that you are going to be a parent?
The problem with kids is that they are humans. And humans do things that you, yourself, being a human, have done, plus a bunch of things that future technology will enable them to do. The goal of parenting is to try to create beings that are better than yourself: so even though you personally have repeatedly thrown up on your shoes, you have to firmly believe that your children will grow up to be better than that. It's all about faith.

P.S. Why are people making mean comments about your impending parental status? Is this a New York thing?
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