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Wednesday, April 09, 2008


The Re-return of the Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: No matter how unbelievably awesome a one-night stand is, no matter how hot the other person, no matter how mind-blowing the orgasm, it's never okay to keep the condom as a souvenir.

Taurus: The quickest way to a man's heart is with a rib-spreader.

Gemini: A turkey-burger is a half-assed pussy cop-out when you couldn't choose between a beef patty or a veggie burger. Grow a pair. (Testicles or ovaries, which ever apply to you, Gemini.)

Cancer: You can not make a salad "look more gourmet" by adding chopped marshmallows to it.

Leo: In spite of your most fervent wishes, that puddle of vomit on the floor is not going to clean itself up.

Virgo: No matter how intense your mid-life crisis is, you should never, ever take up skateboarding at the age of 45.

Libra: When you're having that intriguing conversation with your new love interest about your hot sexual exploits past, you may want to leave out the time you masturbated with a rubber chicken.

Scorpio: The proper thing to say when someone near you sneezes is "Geshundheit." Not "You better not have gotten a snot on me, you rancid prick."

Sagittarius: An encounter with an old friend may lead you to question your religious beliefs. Because, seriously, how would a just, loving God have ever let you be so fucking stupid as to hang out with that dipshit, anyway?

Capricorn: Like an elephant, you tend to remember things for a very long time. Also like an elephant, you can eat peanuts with your nose.

Aquarius: The pizza delivery guy? Really?

Pisces: Singing "We've Only Just Begun" as you're dropping your date off at the end of the evening is, I can assure you, the best way to make certain that you won't be having another date.

Rubber chicken!? Oh god!
That Scorpio one made me spew coffee.
Thanks for that, thank you
What can I say? He could deliver the sausage.
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