Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
The Re-return of the Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: No matter how unbelievably awesome a one-night stand is, no matter how hot the other person, no matter how mind-blowing the orgasm, it's never okay to keep the condom as a souvenir.
Taurus: The quickest way to a man's heart is with a rib-spreader.
Gemini: A turkey-burger is a half-assed pussy cop-out when you couldn't choose between a beef patty or a veggie burger. Grow a pair. (Testicles or ovaries, which ever apply to you, Gemini.)
Cancer: You can not make a salad "look more gourmet" by adding chopped marshmallows to it.
Leo: In spite of your most fervent wishes, that puddle of vomit on the floor is not going to clean itself up.
Virgo: No matter how intense your mid-life crisis is, you should never, ever take up skateboarding at the age of 45.
Libra: When you're having that intriguing conversation with your new love interest about your hot sexual exploits past, you may want to leave out the time you masturbated with a rubber chicken.
Scorpio: The proper thing to say when someone near you sneezes is "Geshundheit." Not "You better not have gotten a snot on me, you rancid prick."
Sagittarius: An encounter with an old friend may lead you to question your religious beliefs. Because, seriously, how would a just, loving God have ever let you be so fucking stupid as to hang out with that dipshit, anyway?
Capricorn: Like an elephant, you tend to remember things for a very long time. Also like an elephant, you can eat peanuts with your nose.
Aquarius: The pizza delivery guy? Really?
Pisces: Singing "We've Only Just Begun" as you're dropping your date off at the end of the evening is, I can assure you, the best way to make certain that you won't be having another date.