Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Don't let current events get you down. That's just lazy. You should be able to get yourself depressed without outside aid.

Taurus: Snoring is cute and all, but when you're actually shaking loose plaster from the bedroom ceiling, you may need to take steps.

Gemini: You have a yearning to call forth your inner gourmet this week, Gemini. Unfortunately, the best you come up with is something you call "Lemon-Rubbed Toast".

Cancer: The worst thing that happens to you this week, Cancer, is that your feet get wet during a rain storm. The worst thing that happens to everyone around you is that you won't stop whining about it.

Leo: For God's sake, Leo, try to get it straight: Rip Torn is the Oscar-nominated character actor who starred on The Larry Sanders Show. Rip Taylor was the flaming Match Game panelist and host of the $1.98 Beauty Pageant.

Virgo: Drinking and driving don't mix, Virgo. Everyone knows you drive better when you're high.

Libra: This week, Libra, you proudly tell everyone you know about your athlete's foot, possibly in the mistaken belief that people will think you're actually an athlete.

Scorpio: It is a clear sign of just how deluded you've gotten, Scorpio, that you truly believe that your "Boob Inspector" t-shirt is going to fool someone into letting your fondle their breasts.

Sagittarius: You don't have a long-lost wealthy uncle who's going to die and leave you a million dollars. So go ahead and take the job at Arby's.

Capricorn: Some people look good in stripes, Capricorn, you look best in shirts that can miraculously camouflage spilled ketchup.

Aquarius: You're feeling existential this week, Aquarius. Which leads you to ask the age old question, "What's dinner for?"

Pisces: You're feeling the need to brighten up your apartment with something green and alive, Pisces. So you should either buy a fern or just take the month-old sandwich out of the fridge and put it on your windowsill.

Let me tell you about my athlete's foot.....
Spilled ketchup? Don't you mean spilled soy sauce?

I failed miserably on that account.

Luckily, it washed out. I wanted to let you know so you don't lose anymore sleep over that one.
I guess it'll have relish in it then.
I'm not going to ask how you know that I snore.
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