Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, May 12, 2008


With a Name Like Smucker's, It Has to Be Poisonous

As this pregnancy progresses--and, I've gotta say, that's a great phrase to be able to write--we're encountering things we haven't had to deal with before. One of those things is weight gain. Which I'm working on, dammit. I'm big-boned.

We're also dealing, or rather, my wife is dealing, with worries about what she needs to ingest to optimize our baby's development. What supplements are good, what foods are bad, how much tequila is too much; all these questions factor into it.

We've read book after book and a lot of them give contradictory information. So, in order to try to get an expert opinion, my wife decided to consult a nutritionist.

My response, when asked for my opinion on this move, was essentially, "Go for it. Whatever you need to do to reassure yourself that you're doing what you ought to." Then my wife asked if I'd go with her. Which is when I started to question the wisdom of this plan.

But I sucked it up and joined my wife this evening on a jaunt to the Upper West Side, where we visited said nutritionist in her apartment. The lady was very nice. She seemed to have a good sense of humor and her advice really did seem, for the most part, sage.

My only real issue with her personally, and it's very tiny, is that, at one point in the conversation, she said, in response to a comment one of us had made, "Well, I don't have a TV, as you can see." Folks, I've got nothing against people who choose not to have televisions. I like TV and have no shame about it. If someone else decides they'd rather not include television in their life, that's just fine. But why do they all feel the need to mention it? If someone doesn't have a TV in their home, you can pretty much bet your grandma's life savings that they'll find a time to slip that fact into a conversation. Even when no one was asking.

Anyway, that one teeny glitch aside, I just want to state for the record that this was a pleasant person who really seemed to know what she was talking about.

I have to state that for the record so that I can then go on to describe how I resented the living fuck out of her.

See, I've felt pretty good right along about the job I've done providing the proper nutrition for my wife and for our baby. I've been pushing fruits and vegetables, yogurt, whole grain breads and such. And the nutritionist basically took my good feelings and pissed all over them.

Since I do the cooking in our household, I was quizzed about what exactly I'd been buying. Looking over my wife's meal diary, the nutritionist asked, "What kind of bread are you using in that peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

"Uh...twelve grain."

"What brand?"

"It', Arnold."

Whereupon she would take me to a website featuring the nutritional labels from Arnold bread and point out the corn syrup and sweeteners and frigging rat poison and all the other stuff it contains. "What kind of jelly?"


"Yeah, you'll probably want to use something that's all fruit."

And so on. So basically I haven't been doing things right and my kid's going to be born addicted to Ben & Jerry's because of my piss-poor cooking habits and he or she will weight five hundred pounds by the time they're two. Not really, but that's how I felt while sitting there.

It's really just some adjustments that need to be made. Some things that were lacking from some meals. Some things that I need to be smarter about when shopping. Okay, well, she did suggest I start making quinoa. Which pissed me off. See, I love vegetarian cooking, but I hate the kind of vegetarian cooking that seems to be entirely sprout and barley-based. And I lump quinoa in that category.

Anyway, I'm hungry now, so I'm going to go crush a couple handfuls of BBQ Lay's Potato Chips into a bowl of Coco Puffs and call it a day.

Just remember this once your child is on solid food.

When all else fails - powdered donuts.

I've raise three and haven't lost one to starvation or madness yet.
No worries.

The baby will take whatever nutrients it needs first, so it's really only your wife you're poisoning.
What you have is a pregnancy, not a science project. I fart in the general direction of people like that. Stop seeing her; she's only taking your money. The stress that people take on causes more harm than anything they eat or don't eat. Relax. Enjoy this time and don't treat the pregnancy like it's a syndrome; 2.2 millions years and we're still here.
Oh please, if that's all she could find wrong with your diet, you're aces. With Oscar, I had weird cravings and actually ate spaghettios with meatballs.

Don't forget to pour some beer into your potato-chips-and-cocoa-puffs bowl.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure YOUR mom only ate whole grains and organic fruit.

Mine had a cigarette during labor.
Not only did my mom smoke during labor, she was actually instructed by her doctor to have a glass of wine every day after work to "ease stress" and stop the early contractions. Every day! And she did it!

Steph is right, we've made it this far without nutritionists. The important thing is to be happy, and who's happy eating all fruit jelly?
Sorry I'm so late reading your stuff, baby bro. But, anyway, love the post, but REALLY love the comments everyone left you!

Take them to heart, will you, please?
I'm really confused as to how EATING WELL while pregnant can be cause for such ire. How is eating well a science project? Why should comments about people smoking/drinking/eating junk food during pregnancy be "taken to heart"? I really don't get it. Kudos to your wife for trying to do the right thing - for making sure she is getting the best nutrition for the best growth for her child. For someone who, like your wife, has had multiple miscarriages, I can understand completely her concern with making sure she is doing the right thing. It's not FOREVER people. If she wants to eat crap five minutes after she gives birth - more power to her - but for now, it's about the BABY not about immediate gratification to eat candy bars/smoke/drink throughout a pregnancy. And also people may have survived long ago without nutritionists - but junk food also wasn't AVAILABLE and we KNOW MORE NOW - perhaps we should use that knowledge to good use.
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