Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Hairshirt Horoscope Special Edition
At the insistence of my wife (who's six months pregnant and, at this point, has weird hormones giving her odd ideas) this week's horoscopes will share one of several themes: space travel, chocolate or Gossip Girl. Yeah, I know, but at least she's not eating pickles and ice cream.
Aries: With the Space Shuttle fleet rapidly approaching retirement, you're struck with a brainstorm: purchase the shuttle Atlantis, park that sumbitch in Florida and turn it into a theme restaurant! You could call it Spacey Bob's!
Taurus: Great wealth will come your way if you'll only stop forcing your poor husband to watch Gossip Girl.
Gemini: The Summer Solstice is this Friday. And why are you so excited? More daylight in which you can eat chocolate!
Cancer: You're no longer as young as you used to be and it's time you woke up and realized that. You're far too old, for example, to be attempting to build your own jet pack to let you fly through space. You're also too old to watch Gossip Girl.
Leo: Yes, chocolate has anti-oxidants, but that doesn't mean it's "perfectly healthy" of you to eat forty-five Mallomars at a goddamn time.
Virgo: You see yourself as a Serena, but you're really more of a Blair. I don't know who the hell those people are, but they're apparently on Gossip Girl.
Libra: Aliens are on their way to Earth right now, with the specific intent of kidnapping you and taking you on an interstellar journey. So put on some clean underwear, you slobby fuck.
Scorpio: The world is not ready for your Edible Chocolate Deodorant. Besides, dude, it's just a fucking Hershey bar in a wrapper you whipped up on Photoshop.
Sagittarius: Hey, you remember when President Bush announced that he was instructing NASA to figure out how to send astronauts to Mars? You think he was high when he said that?
Capricorn: The only thing more annoying than your constant criticism of everything your co-workers do is those stupid fucking haircuts on Gossip Girl.
Aquarius: This week, Aquarius, you need to recall the advice your grandmother gave you when you were a child: "Kiddo, sex toys made of chocolate are only a good idea in theory." Your grandma had absolutely no idea what was and wasn't appropriate conversational material for kids, did she?
Pisces: This is a great week for you to either journey to space or eat chocolate, but a lousy week for you to watch Gossip Girl. Seriously, though, is it ever a good week to watch Gossip Girl?
That was fun. I could almost see you squirming in your writing. I vote that Mrs. Hairshirt picks the horoscope themes for the remainder of her pregnancy.
TB--Honestly, my wife already wields enough household power.Post a Comment
DCup--Going sans panties definitely makes for easier probing.
Blackbird--I'm so sorry for you and your husband.