Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Aries: You need to put the pain of the past behind you, Aries, and move on. Eventually, the healing will begin and you'll find it easier and easier to live in a world where Lisa made it into the final three on Top Chef.
Taurus: Romance is in the air, Taurus! But you can get rid of it with a little Febreeze.
Gemini: It's great that you're finally finding the courage to pursue your dream of getting up in front of an audience and doing a stand-up routine. However, you need to take a moment and ask yourself if your brother-in-law's funeral is really the best venue.
Cancer: The hostess of the party you ruined this week was absolutely right. Pumpkin pie is horribly out of season and you shouldn't have brought it and she was completely justified in slapping you in the face.
Leo: A nice relaxing foot massage would be wonderful right about now, wouldn't it, Leo? Well, maybe someone better cut their fucking toenails so that the poor masseur/masseuse doesn't get his/her poor goddamn hands sliced to ribbons.
Virgo: Remember, Virgo: gossip goes both ways. And speaking of "going both ways", guess what I heard about the new girl in accounting...
Libra: It's a great week to be a budding Libran art collector! A Libra who knows where to look can truly enhance his/her collection this week. And, no, I'm not counting the dumber Libras among you who consider it a good idea to mount and frame particularly witty Bazooka Joe cartoons.
Scorpio: Big changes are afoot, Scorpio. But to really take advantage of them, you're going to need to figure out what the hell "afoot" means. You're so pretty.
Sagittarius: It's not okay for you to drink mustard straight from the jar.
Capricorn: This is a week for intense thinking, Capricorn. And you will spend it mostly thinking about how it's just a little creepy that Bob Dylan says that someone makes love like a woman, but breaks like a little girl. Seriously, doesn't that sound just a tad pervy?
Aquarius: Be careful when putting on your shoes this week, Aquarius. I won't say exactly when, but there may be a morning when a piece of your footwear contains one or more pieces of poo.
Pisces: It's just plain wrong that you find William Shatner kind of hot when he's doing those "Priceline Negotiator" commercials.