Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Aries: Wow! Jessica Alba and Tori Spelling both had babies in the same week! It's times like this that your vicarious living is so awesome you can almost forget that you don't actually have your own life!
Taurus: Do your best to stay cool in the hot weather. Maybe you could fill your bathtub with Slurpees and take a brisk, albeit sugary, soak.
Gemini: You think you're so fucking great, Gemini? Well just remember: Jeffrey Dahmer was a Gemini, too. Not so high and mighty now, are you?
Cancer: This is a good week to be kind to animals, Cancer. Like for instance, maybe you could finally remove that bear trap from your dog's leg. I mean, it's been weeks!
Leo: You know why things aren't going so well for you Leo? Because you like to live your life by asking the question, "What would Knight Rider do?" I think you need a better question.
Virgo: No matter how bored you get during a slow shift at the Japanese restaurant where you work, please refrain from dipping your privates in the tempura batter. This is just a good rule to live by.
Libra: A relative who lives at a distance may be trying to get in contact with you this week, Libra. But they're not rich, so I wouldn't bother picking up the phone if I were you.
Scorpio: The reason that members of the opposite sex continue to avoid you is that you have yet to figure out that successful small talk does not generally focus on a history of one's sinus problems.
Sagittarius: Now that you've graduated with a degree in geology, you're ready to take the world by storm. But you should come up with a different plan than your current one: getting rich off your screenplay for a set-in-a-cave action flick about a dashing spelunker that you're planning to call The Spelunker.
Capricorn: A kiss lies in your future this week, Capricorn. A delirious, passionate, heart-pounding kiss. This will be immediately followed by the worst, most awkward sex in the history of humanity. So, win some, lose some.
Aquarius: Remember, Aquarius: bodies in motion tend to stay in motion. Bodies sitting at a bar knocking back shot after shot of Jim Beam tend to stay drunk.
Pisces: Wondering if it's time to do your laundry? Here's a simple test: if your clothes are so stiff with filth that they will not bend, you may want to go ahead and get some Tide.