Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Hairshirt Summer Horoscope
Aries: This is going to be a hot, uncomfortable summer, Aries. And you'll need to just get used to that. Shaving your balls will not make you feel any cooler. Especially if you're a woman.
Taurus: Explore your musical side this summer, Taurus. You could learn to play a new instrument or memorize songs off of a favorite new album, or just hum ominously when you're staring down strangers in your doctor's waiting room.
Gemini: As you sit in your apartment, bitter and resentful because you can't afford the gas to go anywhere, try and take some comfort in the memory of that one time when you had a couple of friends in town and actually needed a car as big as your fuel-inefficient SUV.
Cancer: Spend some time outdoors this summer, Cancer. And just to clarify: by "outdoors", I don't mean "under the bedroom window of your ex, who's with someone new and trying to move on with his/her life so stop being such a creepy stalker." Hopefully that was evident in the original sentence.
Leo: Hey Leo, here's a tip for beating the summer heat without busting your summer wallet: spend as much time as you can in the public pool. Just try to avoid the ones with all the urine and polio.
Virgo: Use your time off this summer to explore an exciting new activity, like rock climbing or sex with someone you're not paying.
Libra: A broken leg may ruin some of your fun summer plans. Fortunately, you just may discover, through your binoculars, that your neighbor is a sinister wife-murderer whose evil plans you'll foil with the help of your fiancee, Grace Kelly.
Scorpio: Is a hot summer romance in your future, Scorpio? No.
Sagittarius: No matter how lame this summer is, what with all the crappy reality shows and the inevitable late-season collapse of your favorite baseball team and the hornets that will infest your home in late July, at least you'll spend the entire season knowing that it's your last summer in George Bush's America.
Capricorn: Not a good summer for you, Capricorn. In fact, there will be only two days all summer that you don't step in dog shit. So you probably want to avoid flip-flops.
Aquarius: This summer, Aquarius, you'll get reacquainted with your two greatest childhood passions: cotton candy and tooth decay.
Pisces: Summer might be a little rough for you, emotionally, Pisces. Especially around July 11th when your faith in the universe is horribly shaken following the realization that Meet Dave is not the comedy masterpiece for which you'd prayed. You're a dumbass.
I was named after that Grace Kelly character!
Thanks for the warning. I'm be sure to keep plenty of flashbulbs on hand.
How did you know I have a Dr's appt coming up? Well, at least now I have a way to entertain myself in the waiting room...Post a Comment