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Friday, June 06, 2008


Letter to a Thirteen Year-Old Me

Dear Joe,

I just wanted to take a moment to apologize. I know you're disappointed in me. I know I've become something you wouldn't even recognize. I know that, right now, as you stare twenty-four years into the future, you're horrified, repulsed, sickened by my actions. And I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

It's just that, well, you see, the weekend Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opened, I was busy. I really didn't have the time to take in an opening night showing. Additionally, I'd just dragged my wife to the opening weekend of Iron Man two weeks prior. (I know you don't like Iron Man all that much, but you're going to have to trust me on this.) You're not allowed to force a lady to fight the crowds every week for a movie in which she's only half-interested at best. That's one of the many things about relationships that you'll start to learn. In about a decade, 'cause that's how long it's gonna take for you to actually have one. Yeah, you're not gonna get much action, kid.

Look, I know how saddened you are that I actually saw the Sex and the City movie before Indy, but there's things you just don't understand. Movies cost $11.50 now. It's not like where you live, a magical world full of shitty but cheap twin cinemas where you can catch a matinée for three bucks. Hell, we pay fifteen dollars for fucking snacks. You don't go to a movie on a whim. It's an investment.

Also, and I know you're going to have a really hard time believing this, but the George Lucas of my world kind of sucks. Remember how totally fucking lame you thought the Ewoks were when you saw Jedi last year? Well, pretty much everything he does now is Ewokish. And, since he's half of the Indy creative team, the new movie, from everything I've heard, half sucks. So that hasn't lit a fire under me to go see it, either.

I realize how sad this is going to make you. You, with your love for Indiana Jones so strong that you like to pretend the sliding board at Grandma and Grandpa's lake is a death trap you have to escape. Hell, you love Indy so much you'll eventually force your parents to buy you both a bullwhip and a leather fedora. Jesus, you're lame.

Anyway, don't worry. I'll go to see the new Indy movie eventually. I promise. Maybe to celebrate the end of the school year. Oh, right. I probably should have told you that I teach, so you're basically stuck spending time with Junior High School kids for most of your thirties. Good luck with that.

Yours in self,

I hope you didn't just violate the prime directive which young Joe will know about in about 6 or so years when Next Generation comes out. At least he has that to look forward to....
It doesn't suck, for the love of all that is holy...I feel a rant about this coming up.

No, the problem is that the second half commits the sin of only being passably entertaining.

But people can't just say that, no. It has to be "it sucks, it's stupid, it's blahblahblah."

Man, I hate haters.
Easy there, chief. I didn't say it sucked. In fact, I'm sure I won't feel that way at all. I'm simply explaining why I haven't rushed out to see it yet.

Also, Hi! Hope all is well in Seattleville.
Let's just say your language reminded me of a pet peeve I've had building up over the last few, while instigated by you, has very little to do with you.

sorry, anyway.

We could do with some sunny weather here. The smattering of sunshine has been minimal at best.

All right, let's hear the Seattle jokes now, come on, I'm ready, just keep it coming...
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