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Friday, June 13, 2008


Watch What Happens (to the Withered Husk That Used to Be Your Soul)

Take a moment. Think of everything you see when watching an episode of Top Chef. Let me be more specific: think of all the really kind of annoying things you see when watching an episode of Top Chef. I love the show. I love it so much that I put up with all the annoying things. And there's a whole fucking lot of them.

You've got the rampant product placement. I understand that the ability to work that much product placement into a program makes it more profitable and therefore more likely to enjoy a long life. And I can usually filter it out pretty well, even when the contestants' voice-overs have obviously been scripted to include such out-and-out commercials as "So we went to Whole Foods, which was awesome, because they have the most fantastic vegetables you'll ever see." Even with my filter on, though, it gets to me.

There're also the requests that you text your opinion about one or another utterly inane topic. "Who do you think smells more like split-pea soup? Text 'A' for Dale; text 'B' for Lisa..." I like texting and I think it has a place in everyday life, but if you're so fucking text-happy that you need to text a worthless opinion about an idiotic question, then I'm going to go ahead and hope that you're texting it while driving 90 miles-per-hour on a very icy mountain road.

And then there are the constant annoying ads for other Bravo shows. Kathy Griffin is okay in small doses--I mean, I really do find her stand-up funny--but I don't need to watch her debase herself for fame over and over and over. They have a show with an OCD guy who flips houses. We're living in a post-sub-prime world, Bravo. How about a Very Special Episode in which he defaults on three mortgages and commits sepuku rather than go to prison? There are "Real Housewives" from Orange County and New York and they all have one thing in common: they should die. Add to that craptacular list Work Out and Shear Genius and Tim Gunn Whores Himself for an Extra Paycheck.

Now, take all of this and put it together in one excruciating program and you've got Bravo's A-List Awards. I'm actually of the opinion that the main reason the network came up with this idea was that they wanted to be able to demonstrate the totally redefine the word "pointless." It's an awards show. And they give awards to...I don't know, a little of this and a little of that. Seriously, it's like Best Supporting Actor and Best New Restaurant. There is absolutely no need for this show. But it gives them a chance to drag all their reality celebritards out on stage and plug their shows and encourage people to text their opinions of the color of their feces or something while they flash a Chrysler logo on the screen.

It is, honestly, something that, if I had to sit through more than ten minutes of, I fear my brain would throw a clot just to spare me the agony of what I was seeing. I have a theory, in fact. I'm pretty sure that the new M. Night Shyamalan movie The Happening, in which people around the world start inexplicably committing suicide is going to have a shocking twist ending where it's revealed that all these people were watching The A-List Awards.

I'd rather watch DVDs of the entire run of Mama's Family.

Joe, I get it. You are HILARIOUS!
Dude...May I recommend She's The Sheriff? Mama's Family ran forever, is all I'm saying.
Mama's Family? Even those vapid fucking housewives can't make THAT a better alternative.
Ah, bravo, maestro di umore nero!

I don't give standing ovations unless it's really earned, so I'd stand up for this post... if I wasn't so lazy.
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