Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Aries: Weekend plans might be sidelined because of an injury. Or by genital warts.
Taurus: You realize you were horribly wrong to mock your spouse/romantic partner for knowing who Wayland Flowers and Madame were. You might be able to make it up to him/her if you really try.
Gemini: The presidential candidate hits home this week as both Barack Obama and John McCain offer to wash your car in exchange for your vote.
Cancer: Take some time this week to enjoy some of the fine arts, Cancer. And keep in mind that the first season of Charles in Charge on DVD probably doesn't count.
Leo: Celebrate love this week, Leo! But celebrate it in some other way than getting falling-down drunk.
Virgo: You deserve a little break, Virgo. So, five minutes, smoke 'em if you've got 'em and then back to work.
Libra: For some reason, Libra, the current on-going crisis in the real estate market means you're not going to get laid for another two years. Don't ask us precisely how this works.
Scorpio: This is not a time to be stingy, Scorpio. Even if you had to sell five gallons of plasma to earn your rent money, it's not a good idea to stiff a waiter on the tip.
Sagittarius: We won't go into any great detail about the exact circumstances; suffice it to say that you'll spend a portion of this week with squid ink on your junk.
Capricorn: Holy shit, Capricorn! Alex Rodriguez fucking Madonna? A-Rod's wife boffing Lenny Kravitz? Aaaigh! Aaaigh! Gossip overload! Can't...stop...screaming! Head...exploding!
Aquarius: This is a great week for Aquarians to try out a new look. Because "syphilitic whore" is really more appropriate for early Spring.
Pisces: Grow up, Aquarius. Eleven-year-olds can freely giggle at the phrase "manhole cover", but you really ought to be past that.