Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, July 09, 2008


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're hit by an odd thought this week, Aries. And that thought is, "Wait a minute. Why is this penis in my hand?"

Taurus: Remember, Taurus, not everything is made better with frosting. Fresh fish, for example.

Gemini: When you're standing in line this weekend, Gemini, about to spend an assload of money for tickets to see Journey to the Center of the Earth, keep in mind that utter shit in 3-D is still utter shit. It's just that you can see it flying at your head.

Cancer: You've got a long, long summer ahead of you, Cancer, as you continue to obsess over whether or not Brett Favre will come out of retirement. Somehow, you find, your entire sense of being, the security of your place in the universe seems tied into this. If Favre doesn't play again, will you be able to keep your soul intact? I don't know. Maybe.

Leo: Great news this week, as your oldest son gets accepted at Clown College. Thank god, 'cause his safety school was Columbia. Ick.

Virgo: Your song-writing career gains incredible momentum this week, Virgo, as you come to the sudden realization that "Latin" rhymes with "flatten" and everything just sort of snowballs from there.

Libra: The eyes are the windows of the soul, Libra. And your windows are all squinty and blood-shot, so you might want to put down the bong for a few hours.

Scorpio: This is the week, Scorpio, when you will need to look deep into your soul and ask youself: Do I like pina colladas and getting caught in the rain? Am I not into health food? Do I have half a brain?

Sagittarius: Where is it you're going, Sagittarius? Are you climbing up to the top of a glorious mountain or are you headed off a cliff? You've got no idea, because you can't figure out how to work that fucking GPS dealie you spent all that money on.

Capricorn: Get outside and enjoy nature this week, Capricorn. Or sit in front of your television and watch nature on your TV.

Aquarius: Enjoy some down-time with your loved ones this week, Aquarius. And just to be clear, we're not talking about beloved bottles of bourbon.

Pisces: You've picked your nose, now where are you going to put it, Pisces? Where are you going to put it?

I'll put down the bong as long as I can hang on to the vodka.
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