HAIRSHIRT

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Thanks to all the ads for that goddamn new X-Files movie, you've got that fucking whistling song stuck in your head again. Fucking Mulder.

Taurus: Good news is headed your way this week. But you'll probably be sleeping and miss hearing it.

Gemini: There's a party in your future this week. Don't get too excited, though, you'll be spending almost the whole time stuck talking to the host's 39-year-old brother, who just got high for the first time last week and wants to tell you all about the experience. Good luck with that.

Cancer: Cancers who've always wondered how cool it would be to put on one of those inflatable sumo wrestler suits will get the chance to find out this week. And it's not really all that thrilling.

Leo: Be strong, Leo. You see, this is the week you find out the true meaning of a "hootenanny."

Virgo: Feeling like you want to expand your epicurean horizons with an adventurous gourmet meal, Virgo? Tough shit! You're going to Applebee's! Again!

Libra: So I guess the question you need to ask yourself this week is: Wig or no wig?

Scorpio: Your underwear go on before your pants, Scorpio. It'd sure be less embarrassing for your family and friends if you could learn that one.

Sagittarius: Do you know how annoying it is when you get a bit of corn stuck in your teeth, Sagittarius? Well, this week, that's going to happen to you. Except it'll be the whole ear of corn and it'll be in your ass. Long story. Don't piss off farmers.

Capricorn: Y'know, you'd think that breaking the world record for Longest Game of Boggle would be 37 hours of bliss. But, strangely, it can actually become somewhat tedious. Careful around hour 26, when you're teetering on the edge of suicide.

Aquarius: A very special person is about to enter your life, Aquarius. Her name's Dr. Lewis and she works down at the VD Clinic. You're going to want to have her number on speed dial.

Pisces: Remember, Pisces: Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're probably still fucked because you're developing cirrhosis, you ignorant drunkard.

posted by Joe # 1:56 PM

Comments:

I'm thinking it's not so much wig or no wig, but merkin or no merkin?

# posted by

Anonymous : 7:29 PM

Excellent, as usual.
At least we aren't as screwed this time.

Will remind K about the underwear.

# posted by

blackbird : 8:47 PM

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hairshirt Horoscope

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		Wednesday, July 23, 2008 Hairshirt Horoscope Aries: Thanks to all the ads for that goddamn new X-Files movie, you've got that fucking whistling song stuck in your head again. Fucking Mulder. Taurus: Good news is headed your way this week. But you'll probably be sleeping and miss hearing it. Gemini: There's a party in your future this week. Don't get too excited, though, you'll be spending almost the whole time stuck talking to the host's 39-year-old brother, who just got high for the first time last week and wants to tell you all about the experience. Good luck with that. Cancer: Cancers who've always wondered how cool it would be to put on one of those inflatable sumo wrestler suits will get the chance to find out this week. And it's not really all that thrilling. Leo: Be strong, Leo. You see, this is the week you find out the true meaning of a "hootenanny." Virgo: Feeling like you want to expand your epicurean horizons with an adventurous gourmet meal, Virgo? Tough shit! You're going to Applebee's! Again! Libra: So I guess the question you need to ask yourself this week is: Wig or no wig? Scorpio: Your underwear go on before your pants, Scorpio. It'd sure be less embarrassing for your family and friends if you could learn that one. Sagittarius: Do you know how annoying it is when you get a bit of corn stuck in your teeth, Sagittarius? Well, this week, that's going to happen to you. Except it'll be the whole ear of corn and it'll be in your ass. Long story. Don't piss off farmers. Capricorn: Y'know, you'd think that breaking the world record for Longest Game of Boggle would be 37 hours of bliss. But, strangely, it can actually become somewhat tedious. Careful around hour 26, when you're teetering on the edge of suicide. Aquarius: A very special person is about to enter your life, Aquarius. Her name's Dr. Lewis and she works down at the VD Clinic. You're going to want to have her number on speed dial. Pisces: Remember, Pisces: Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're probably still fucked because you're developing cirrhosis, you ignorant drunkard. posted by Joe # 1:56 PM Comments: I'm thinking it's not so much wig or no wig, but merkin or no merkin? # posted by Anonymous : 7:29 PM Excellent, as usual. At least we aren't as screwed this time. Will remind K about the underwear. # posted by blackbird : 8:47 PM Post a Comment << Home		Links The Conversation Special Productions Izzle Pfaff Freida Bee Sometimes I Just Talk Alisa and the Stuff Alisa Does Tuna Girl Defective Yeti The Incurable Insomniac The Savvy, The Extreme and The Idealist Caballito del Diablo The Ambivalence of Open Spaces Bug-Eyed Blog Whiskeymarie Version 53 Things I've Noticed (S)wine: ShortLeanCuts Out of Tune Missives from the Beige Sister of Hairshirt Apostrophe Abuse Jonestown Tobacco Brunette The Public Intellectual That's Why Archives July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 March 2011 April 2011