Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Aries: Thanks to all the ads for that goddamn new X-Files movie, you've got that fucking whistling song stuck in your head again. Fucking Mulder.
Taurus: Good news is headed your way this week. But you'll probably be sleeping and miss hearing it.
Gemini: There's a party in your future this week. Don't get too excited, though, you'll be spending almost the whole time stuck talking to the host's 39-year-old brother, who just got high for the first time last week and wants to tell you all about the experience. Good luck with that.
Cancer: Cancers who've always wondered how cool it would be to put on one of those inflatable sumo wrestler suits will get the chance to find out this week. And it's not really all that thrilling.
Leo: Be strong, Leo. You see, this is the week you find out the true meaning of a "hootenanny."
Virgo: Feeling like you want to expand your epicurean horizons with an adventurous gourmet meal, Virgo? Tough shit! You're going to Applebee's! Again!
Libra: So I guess the question you need to ask yourself this week is: Wig or no wig?
Scorpio: Your underwear go on before your pants, Scorpio. It'd sure be less embarrassing for your family and friends if you could learn that one.
Sagittarius: Do you know how annoying it is when you get a bit of corn stuck in your teeth, Sagittarius? Well, this week, that's going to happen to you. Except it'll be the whole ear of corn and it'll be in your ass. Long story. Don't piss off farmers.
Capricorn: Y'know, you'd think that breaking the world record for Longest Game of Boggle would be 37 hours of bliss. But, strangely, it can actually become somewhat tedious. Careful around hour 26, when you're teetering on the edge of suicide.
Aquarius: A very special person is about to enter your life, Aquarius. Her name's Dr. Lewis and she works down at the VD Clinic. You're going to want to have her number on speed dial.
Pisces: Remember, Pisces: Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're probably still fucked because you're developing cirrhosis, you ignorant drunkard.