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Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Hairshirt Horoscope (Special Olympic Edition)

Aries: This week, you're feeling a little like the Angolan Women's Team Handball squad; nobody gives a shit about what you do and you kind of suck at it anyway.

Taurus: Let your spirit run swift and true this week, Taurus. Just like an Olympic hurdler, but without all the steroids.

Gemini: The Olympics are a little confusing for you, sexually, Gemini. You're not certain whether which mildly arouses you more: Women's Soccer or Men's Pommel Horse. It's okay. A lot of the athletes are just as confused as you.

Cancer: You kind of have the feeling that you could play badminton at an Olympic level. You couldn't. You'd lose so badly that you'd be reduced to a quivering pile of sobbing jello on the court.

Leo: There's nothing like celebrating the beauty of athletics by sitting in front of the TV, watching a swimming competition while you eat a bag of White Castle.

Virgo: Your child will rue the day you watched Michael Phelps wave to his mother from the podium. He'll mark it as ground zero in your doomed attempt to make him an Olympian when he really just wanted to play Grand Theft Auto with his friends. Yay, parenting!

Libra: Watching Women's Beach Volleyball naked is not a valid way to "support Title IX". It's just creepy.

Scorpio: If there was a gold medal in the Being a Dipshit competition, Scorpio, you'd be at the top of the podium.

Sagittarius: All the commercials you're watching during the Olympics have you believing that your life would seem much, much cooler if Morgan Freeman were narrating it.

Capricorn: Seeing the U.S.A. Women's Fencing Team sweep the medals in the Individual Sabre competition fills you with an unusual nationalistic pride. Which is swept away almost immediately when you see George Bush acting like a dipshit in the stands.

Aquarius: Competitive Shrimp-Eating will not be a sport in the 2012 London Games, no matter how many angry letters you send to the I.O.C. Give it up and save yourself a few thousand dollars on practice cocktail sauce.

Pisces: Thank God for the Olympics, Pisces. Yup, every four years, you get a legitimate excuse to be a horrible, horrible racist.

Seriously! I wasn't naked. I was wearing my merkin, pasties and lucky fez. I swear!

But those volleyball players may as well have been naked.

And what's with all the spanking? Are fetishes an olympic event now?

I wish.
But, shrimp-eating is the only Olympic sport in which being fat is an advantage. I'm gonna try anyway. It is my destiny (plus, I already bought the cocktail sauce).
Just because it's creepy when you do it...and maybe you shouldn't be watching the Olympics in the workplace, bub.
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