Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Aries: Your armpit-fart rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" is not quite as profound and moving as you think.
Taurus: Your hectic schedule may have you feeling a bit tired, Taurus. No matter how exhausted you are, though, you should never, ever neglect to buy your spouse tasty baked goods. Don't drop the ball, here.
Gemini: This is a very important week for you, Gemini, as you're heavily invested, emotionally, in the success of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. I'm with you on that one. I mean, there were so many questions about the pants left unanswered in the first film.
Cancer: I realize health-care costs are skyrocketing and times are tough, Cancer, but there's no way your sick grandmother is going to believe a handful of Jelly Bellies are actually her pain meds. I mean, they say "Jelly Belly" right on there.
Leo: Leos might want to take some time this week to frolic in a natural setting. Those Leos who aren't down with the whole "frolicking" thing could try cavorting. Cavorting's good, too.
Virgo: Feeling out of touch with today's youth culture? Don't worry, Virgo. The next time you're around a bunch of college students, just drop a little hip slang on them. Say something they'll understand, like, "Hey Bazooka-face. Don't armstrong that poodle." They'll accept you as one of their own.
Libra: You've got a bit of a dilemma this week, Libra: you yearn to travel and see what the world has to offer. But, at the same time, you want to sit naked in your bathtub and eat Cheetos. I suggest a compromise: eat some Cheetos in a hotel room bathtub.
Scorpio: Your spiritual side needs some tending-to, Scorpio. And, no, that's not a good excuse to go out and pay for a handjob.
Sagittarius: You find John McCain strangely sexy, Sagittarius. And that scares you. It scares the hell out of you.
Capricorn: It's not okay to use the same plate five days in a row without washing it.
Aquarius: You find yourself this week feeling deeply nostalgic for your younger days. This does not mean that it's okay for you to hit on high school students, you disgusting old perv.
Pisces: Look out, Pisces! You might just catch Olympic Fever! Don't worry, it's only fatal 47% of the time.