Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Aries: No matter how desperately you wish it otherwise, you are not a vampire. So take those stupid fucking fangs out of your mouth and go outside for awhile.
Taurus: This week, Tarus, try to remember that other people may not see things the same way you do. And it doesn't make them "fucking idiots" or "sub-human garbage" or in any way justify you "kicking the living shit" out of them.
Gemini: Yes, Gemini, your fears are well-founded. It is utterly embarrassing for a person in their 30s to be listening to the Jonas Brothers. In fact, you're kind of an embarrassment to all of us in our 30s.
Cancer: Just try to remember something as you approach the microphone: the audience is there to listen to you give a presentation on the use of computer technology in the study of microbes, not to hear your amazing beat-box skillz. Keep that in mind and it should all go swimmingly.
Leo: You are a grown-up, Leo. And if you want to eat nothing but lasagna and Oreos for a week, nobody has the right to stop you.
Virgo: Summer's coming to an end, Virgo. Do you really want to be the only one at camp who hasn't hooked up with someone? Sure, some people are going to say that prison isn't really like "camp", but they can mind their own beeswax.
Libra: Inspired by the amazing box office success of Iron Man and The Dark Knight, you've come up with your own idea for an awesome super hero movie, Libra. But before you commit to all that time writing a screenplay, you need to ask yourself: How marketable is a hero called Stamina Man whose sole super power is the ability to not ejaculate prematurely?
Scorpio: This week, Scorpio, you take inspiration from gold-medal winners Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor by never giving up, going for your goals as hard as you can and slapping other women on the butt all the time.
Sagittarius: This might be a beautiful day for a picnic lunch, Sagittarius. Sadly, for you, a picnic lunch basically means sitting on a park bench, eating a Slim Jim and drinking a can of Diet Squirt.
Capricorn: They say a coward dies a thousand deaths, Capricorn. Of course, that first one usually does the trick, doesn't it?
Aquarius: Other people will be bothering you all week with their selfish demands, Aquarius. "Please stop hurting me." "Let me go." "Why are you keeping me locked in this pit?" You need to just try to shut your ears to your self-centeredness and do what you need to do for you.
Pisces: People aren't always going to comprehend your feelings, Pisces. But a relationship takes work. It takes someone who wants to understand their mate and someone who wants to be understood. So talk to your partner. Try to get them to see what a magical thing it is to be a Furry.