Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Hairshirt Theater Presents...
In honor of Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, I present now a new one-act play about the wonders of abstinence-only sex education. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
(Nan and Olaf sit talking with Georg.)
GEORG: So you two have been together for how long?
NAN: Three wonderful years.
GEORG: But you’ve never had sex?
NAN: Oh! (Covers her ears)
OLAF: No, no. We don’t like to say that word out loud. It offends Jesus.
OLAF: See, procreation is great for perpetuating the species and all that, but why on earth would anyone want to do it who wasn’t married?
NAN: Mr. Asimov—
GEORG: Please, call me Georg.
NAN: Okay, Georg. You see, most people spend so much time thinking about sin and pursuing sin that they’re all but consumed by it. We take all of that energy and thought and put it into glorifying Christ.
GEORG: So you don’t do anything?
OLAF: I mean, we are human.
OLAF: Not to tell secrets out of school, but, uh, we do get in some pretty intense hand-holding.
NAN: Olaf! You make me sound like some kind of whore!
OLAF: Sorry, dear.
OLAF: (Sotto voce) Ungloved.
NAN: Oh now, that is enough.
GEORG: But that’s it?
NAN: Of course.
OLAF: What more do you need?
GEORG: But, I mean, don’t you ever miss…y’know…other stuff?
OLAF: That’s the great thing about abstinence-only (muffles word) sex education. We literally don’t know what we’re missing. If you never learn about that sort of dirty stuff, then you can’t ever be tempted by it, can you?
GEORG: No, I suppose not.
OLAF: Darn straight!
NAN: To tell the truth, I just feel sorry for all those poor people out there who spend their day thinking about nothing but naked breasts or bouncing buttocks.
GEORG: Well, it doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for prayer, that’s true…
OLAF: (Staring in horror at a rising bulge in his trousers) Oh no.
NAN: What? Olaf, it’s not happening again?
GEORG: What? What’s happening?
OLAF: Naaan! Make it go away!
NAN: I cast thee out, Demon Lust! (She whacks Olaf’s crotch with her purse.)
NAN: Is it gone?
OLAF: No, darnit. I think it liked it.
NAN: Get the holy water!
OLAF: Quick! Quick!
(Nan pulls a bottle of holy water from her purse and dumps it on Olaf’s crotch.)
NAN: Get thee behind me! Get thee behind me!
OLAF: No, no! Say something besides that!
NAN: Now your trousers are all clingy!
OLAF: Run! Run! There’s a monster in my pants!
(They run off.)
GEORG: Think I’ll go rent some porn.