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Saturday, September 06, 2008


It's Made from Corn!

I was watching the Food Network this evening (which I don't usually do, but there was fucking nothing else on and I was lured in by a tie-in with Bon Appetit, a magazine whose annual Thanksgiving issue is some of the best food porn I know) and I was struck--and by struck, I mean goddamn appalled--by a commercial.

There's this couple sitting on the grass and the woman leans over and hands the guy a popsicle. The guy turns it down, pointing out that it has high fructose corn syrup in it. The woman says, "So?" and then goes on to point out that it's "made from corn," has an acceptable amount of calories and is fine "in moderation." Then, shamed at his foolishness for doubting how truly good-for-you high fructose corn syrup really is, the guy takes the popsicle. I don't know if he actually eats it or shoves it up his ass, but that's not the point.

The point is how fucking sickening it is that the folks behind a junk-food ingredient that pretty the entire world has agreed is not good for you have the balls to try telling us that they're not so bad at all. "It's made from corn, people! Everybody loves delicious, healthy corn! Don't listen to those jerks who want to scare you!"

I suppose it's to be expected. How many commercials did we get from R. J. Reynolds, telling us about how they turn their factory into a home for crippled children after a flood or how they're leading the way in helping people quit cigarettes.

Well, I'll tell you what, when the president of the Corn Refiners Association, the lovely people who sponsored this commercial, volunteers to spend an entire year in a cage, consuming nothing but corn oil, just to prove it's safe for the rest of us, I'll reconsider my opinion on what utterly loathsome douchebags they are.

Well, the upside is that if they're feeling the need to be on the defensive, then they're feeling the pinch. Of course, like McDonald's and RJ Reynolds, they'll probably weather the storm just fine.

I wonder if High Fructose Corn Syrup would get 100 mpg in my gas tank or if it would have the same effect on cars as it does on my blood sugar, causing the car to go 1000 mph for 30 seconds and that's it.
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