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Tuesday, September 30, 2008


What Can Brown Do to Inconvenience You?

With all the financial gloom and doom fouling the air of our great nation, you'd probably think that my corporate hatred would be directed at the crooked investment banks that have used the country's poor and naive as their own personal ATMs. And I do hate them. They should each be given a thousand paper cuts and then dipped in a mixture of goat piss, lemon and salt.

But there's a company I despise even worse. That would be UPS. Ye Gods, they suck so very much ass.

Let's start with the fact that they're so fucking moronic that they feel the best time to deliver a package to a private home is about ten in the morning...because most people don't work during the day?

Then there's their apparent self-importance. They have things to do, man. They can't be weighed down by pointless shit like maybe giving their customers an approximate time of delivery. That would be like clipping the wings of an eagle, man! Would you clip the wings of an eagle?

I hate UPS so much I once wrote a sketch in which an idiot UPS driver gets the shit kicked out of him by the entire cast. Good, cathartic fun.

One thing I'll say I do appreciate is UPS's automated phone service. It's one of those voice-response dealies that asks you to say what you want instead of just punching buttons. Which is nice because I can curse my head off at the fucking computer, allowing me to release my hatred so that I can be more pleasant to the poor customer service people who, while employed by a company that is the embodiment of pure evil, are not actually responsible themselves for my situation.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because I apparently missed 3 delivery attempts and now have to shlep up to the fucking Bronx with--literally--a note from my wife saying it's okay for me to pick up our Diaper Dude.

Fuck you, UPS. Fuck you with a wart-covered goat dick.

Seriously, a Diaper Dude? Are you really so concerned you might look like a big pussy carrying around a diaper bag that you felt the need to buy something more "manly?"
Actually, Megan picked it out. I wanted to go with the My Little Pony diaper bag that smelled of gardenias and constantly played the soundtrack of Yentl.
Yentl fuckin' rocks.
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