Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, October 01, 2008


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: It's rocky financial times like these that make you so very glad you went into a good, stable career like prostitution.

Taurus: The next couple of weeks promise smooth sailing, with nothing on the horizon that might cause you, for example, to want to rip your husband's testicles off because he said/did something stupid while you were in labor.

Gemini: Your ego may take a bruising this week, Gemini. But, no matter how incredibly stupid you're feeling, take comfort in the fact that you're at least smarter than Sarah Palin.

Cancer: An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but not if you cut the apple into very small slices and wrap each slice in five pieces of bacon.

Leo: You're feeling pretty good about yourself this week, Leo. That's mostly because you remembered to say, "Happy Rosh Hashana" to that one guy at work who you think might be Jewish. He isn't, but I'm sure he still appreciated the gesture.

Virgo: People love being around you, Virgo. Maybe that's because you're a warm and loving person and maybe that's because you always carry around a large bag of Twinkies that you freely dole out to anyone who asks. Either way, life's pretty sweet.

Libra: Libra, you are the coolest thing to ever happen in the history of the universe. It should be noted that this horoscope applies only to tiny Libra who's due to emerge from my wife's uterus in the next couple of weeks. Other Libras are nice and all that, but not actually that cool.

Scorpio: This is a good time for artistic pursuits, Scorpio. So make sure you take a sharpie with you the next time you sit in a bathroom stall.

Sagittarius: You may be finding that your memory is not quite what it used to be, Sagittarius. In fact, if you cast your eyes downward, you will see that you left the house this morning without remembering to put pants on.

Capricorn: You're in a weird mood this week, Capricorn. Which may go a long way toward explaining why you decided to wrap duct tape around your junk.

Aquarius: Aquarians in relationships may find themselves feeling a touch insecure this week. A quick and easy way to bolster your confidence in your appeal is to write your significant other a note in which you ask them to "check this box if you find me hot." Trust me, this got me tons of play in elementary school.

Pisces: You're feeling really bad for Alberto Gonzales this week, largely because you've always harbored a secret desire to fire a bunch of attorneys for partisan reasons.

Taurus's horoscope reminded me of a strategy that my husband and I used during labor. We made a list of all the things that I might/would probably want - backrub, jacuzzi, walk, video, music, different positions, etc. Then, if I didn't know what I wanted, he could ask if I wanted suggestions from the list (DO NOT JUST MAKE SUGGESTIONS).

Finally, I want to put in my comment that breastfeeding is the way to go. It's a thousand times cheaper than formula and sucks the fat right off of you. With both my kids I lost every single pound of the baby fat within a year with absolutely no dieting.
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