Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Aries: You're thrilled to find that the brisk fall air makes urinating in an alley even more enjoyable.
Taurus: A long-anticipated event may finally arrive this week and you will find it easier than you might have expected. Also, you'll be cleaning another human being's ass a lot.
Gemini: Somebody close to you may be hiding a secret. And not a cool secret, like, "Oh, surprise! I just bought you a car!" or something. This is more like, "Oh, surprise! I gave you herpes!" Still, it's always nice to be surprised.
Cancer: You're super excited today because you're pretty sure that the American version of Life on Mars is going to be even better than the original. You're also a Cubs fan, so...yeah.
Leo: Your nesting instincts take over this evening, and they're really, really strong, so don't be surprised if you find yourself gathering twigs and hay, forming it into a bowl shape and then cementing it in place with mud.
Virgo: Try as you might to justify it to yourself, you know, in your heart, that it's never really okay to throw roast beef on someone's car from an overpass. Even if it's thinly sliced.
Libra: Important events are likely to happen this week, Libra, so you'll probably want to avoid dropping acid, as it'll be a lot easier to deal with things if the walls aren't melting.
Scorpio: It's great that you have such an appreciation for art, Scorpio. It'd just be a little greater if all the "art" you "appreciate" didn't involve "barely legal lesbians".
Sagittarius: While the rest of the country shudders with fear at the state of our economy, you, Sagittarius, are giddy with optimism. This is because your family's store sells wearable barrels and business is better than it's been since 1939.
Capricorn: Sure, you like lasagna. But do you like it enough to bake the world's largest lasagna and then climb inside it for a nap?
Aquarius: World of advice for the next time you find yourself on the dance floor: the Hand Jive has lost a lot of its cachet and you look nowhere near as cool as you think.
Pisces: You have a wonderful way with plants. Your home is a verdant paradise thanks to your gardening prowess. But you should avoid contact with humans, 'cause you're also kind of a dick.