Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, October 07, 2008



So tonight, we've got the second presidential debate between Barack Obama and Ol' Cranky-Pants. I'm hearing a lot of different opinions on how things are going to go down. John McCain, they say, is excellent at town hall-style debates, the very format we'll be seeing this evening. Since the topics on tap tonight are supposed to be domestic policy and the economy, some pundits feel that Obama might have an advantage. All this guess-work. Tsk.

All you need to do to predict the events of tonight's debate is read on, folks. Because we here at Hairshirt are proud to have on our payroll half a dozen of the country's most accurate psychics, who have spent the last forty-eight hours in a deep trance, peeling back the veil on the murky future so that we can benefit from their amazing precognitive powers.

Here then are some hightlights from the Hairshirt Psychics Debate Predictions:
  • John McCain will open by thanking Tom Brokaw, Belmont University and " opponent, the gay, radically-Islamic abortionist/terrorist."
  • Tom Brokaw will spend about fifteen minutes in the middle of the debate on a wildly off-topic rant about The Greatest Generation.
  • A "completely random, unscreened" audience member will thank Senator McCain for his service in Vietnam, then ask how his years as a P.O.W. have affected the way he looks at the way Democrats in congress never get anything done.
  • Barack Obama will answer a question about charter schools by speaking entirely in belch and will still sound more trust-worthy than McCain.
  • A poorly-disguised Sarah Palin will attempt to distract Barack Obama from the rear of the auditorium by blinding him with the reflection from her wrist watch.
  • John McCain's bladder control issues will be thrust into the spotlight when he wets himself during a particularly passionate answer about activist judges.
  • Half of the audience watching the debate on FOX will change channels half-an-hour in when they finally realize they aren't watching House arguing with Foreman.
  • Bored with yet another question about the economy, the candidates will stop debating after forty-five minutes and just start playing with a hacky-sack.
Enjoy the democratic process, folks!