Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, October 30, 2008


The Spawn

So I've re-read my previous baby entries and I've realized they sound a trifle Mary Poppins. In the interest of full disclosure, then, I should say:

Even though I love my son with all my heart, these first couple of weeks have not been without moments that make me question my suitability as a human being, much less as a parent. The Kid is not an absolute perfect silent angel. In fact, he's had some ear-splitting crying spells that have made me wonder if he is, in fact, a demon.

Like tonight, when my poor wife, who's had to deal with the bulk of the baby's colicky fits, wakes me up and tells me that she's falling asleep even as she's trying to rock the baby, and that she needs me to take a shift. And, since apparently my default setting when awakened out of a R.E.M. cycle is utter dickishness, I find myself inexplicably angry at my wife and resentful of my poor little son.

This is, truly, one of the most effective tools at promoting self-loathing I've ever come across. Realizing that you're capable of--even for a moment--hating your kid? Why, I've never felt so positively Hitlerian.

Having said all this, I'd like to go on record that I've read the books and I know that I'm not alone in having these moments, and I'd ask that people refrain from leaving any sort of "Don't worry so much" or "This rough patch won't last that long" comments and please just let me wallow in this for a bit. In about an hour, I'll be back to focusing on how utterly adorable my kid is and all will be right with the world.

He is awfully goddamn cute.

That is why they make them so cute at the beginning, to stop the urge to throw them against the wall while they're screaming.
Wallow away. And know that all their lives you'll have moments where you wonder "what was I thinking to want kids?"

Those don't come that often. Except for 7th grade. Then they are briefly the rule rather than the exception.
Just wait. Your child's greatest gift in life will be his keen ability to acquire your most loathing attribute and irritate you with it for the rest of your life (as far as I can tell). You get used to the self-loathing after a time, but don't worry, it's still uncomfortable as hell.
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