Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, March 21, 2011


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: They say a watched pot never boils, Aries. Keep that in mind this week. Also keep in mind that your pilot light may be out. Which would also explain the not-boiling.

Taurus: You want what you cannot have and you have what you cannot keep. Oh, shit, sorry! That's not your horoscope. That's the tagline for a new Robert Pattinson movie. My bad.

Gemini: You are ignoring the warning signs all around you. Mostly because they're written in Swahili. You really oughtta learn Swahili.

Cancer: Given the state of the world, you are more certain now than ever that the next life will usher you into an eternity of good times at Dollywood. That's some faith you've got there, chief.

Leo: Today, you're feeling utterly discotastic.

Virgo: To achieve your dreams, Virgo, certain sacrifices will need to be made. Not, like, goat-killing or anything, just kind of going a few days without dessert. Seriously, don't kill any goats.

Libra: An argument with a loved one may bring up feelings you'd long thought gone. Feelings along the line of: "I wish she'd shut up. I really have to pee."

Scorpio: Now is a great time to indulge your love of design, tackle a project in a new room and give the whole house a brand-new feel! It's gonna need more than a new set of coasters.

Sagittarius: To get what you want this week, you'll need to dig deep within yourself. Ya nose-picker.

Capricorn: Quiet time at home with the family is what you're in need of this week. So, make it happen, if you have to drug the kids for a night or two. They'll get over it.

Aquarius: Be it food-poisoning or flu, there's a great big bucket of vomit in store for you this week.

Pisces: Juggling? Really?