Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, March 23, 2011


I Could Have Saved More

I am the worst dead pool contestant, ever. I was part of a pool for, I think, five years. Nothing high stakes. Just a few folks thumbing our noses at mortality and trying to win a hundred bucks or so. All in good fun.

No, really. I understand how you could find it objectionable, placing bets on who you think might die in any given year. I understand that many would think it insensitive, morbid, blasphemous or just plain douchey.

But I have to tell you: I think I actually did a lot of good with my list over the years. I saved lives.

A spot on my list was an almost certain guarantee that you would not die. If you were one of the celebrities I kept going with year after year after year, you were basically immortal. I was kind of the Oskar Schindler of the aging celebrity world.

Seriously, how else would you explain how Mickey Rooney's still around? He's around because I picked him to kick the bucket year in and year out. The power of my suckage at dead-pooling kept that old fart going. Him and everybody else I chose. I don't think I scored more than a couple of times the entire period we played.

Which is why I'm writing now. After all this time, the folks who put this contest together every year decided it had run its course. And we threw in the towel. And a month later, the Queen of my list passes away. I'm sorry, Liz. If we'd kept going, you could've had another decade, at least.

But I don't have that power anymore. Which means that Abe Vigoda is not long for this world. Likewise, Andy Griffith and Jerry Lewis will be worm's meat by the end of this year. Steve Jobs will not be around to launch iPad 3. Ruth Buzzi and Chuck Berry just booked their tickets to the Big Adios. I protected you with my list as long as I could. Now, you deal with St. Peter directly. Good luck. I'm sorry.