Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, March 07, 2011


Smooth Operator

I rarely have any opportunities to look smooth. I'm not, generally, very smooth. Today, I got a chance to look positively unflappable. And I embraced it.

So I'm riding the 3 train home with the Kid on my lap. His daycare instructor has told me he ate pretty much nothing all day, so I'm encouraging him to do a little subway snacking. We've got a little walnut & yogurt-covered raisins combo that was very popular yesterday and I'm getting him to down some. In fact, I'm taking some nibbles myself and enjoying an iced coffee. Folks on the train smile at us.

Then we have some coughing. Little bits of walnut fly out of the Kid's mouth. The lady across the aisle from us says, "He's choking!" because, obviously, I can't hear the child on my own lap hacking something up.

I cup my hand under his chin, 'cause I have a sense of what's coming. And what's coming is a flood of milk, walnut and yogurt-covered raisin, all whipped up into a frothy concoction roughly the texture of a cottage cheese smoothie.

I keep my hand under there until the deluge subsides, then I calmly--and I really must emphasize the placid look on my face throughout this entire episode--open his lunchbag and dump the vomit on in. I pull a few napkins out of my pocket and, smiling, wipe off the Kid's hand and coat.

Without disturbing the toddler on my lap, I reach around the stroller and deftly pull a packet of wipes out of the diaper bag, then use a few of them to clean off the kid's chin and my rancid-smelling hand. I throw all the be-puked towelettes into the lunchbag and close it on up. Then I take another delicious sip of iced coffee.

This would not have been smooth if I'd been dry-heaving. This would not have been smooth if I'd loudly asked the Kid, "Why the hell are you puking on me?!?" This would not have been smooth if anything resembling a panicky or disturbed look wandered across my visage.

But this was smooth. For me.

Nice one.
You are a ninja daddy! One handed barf catching? Smoooove.
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